I’m either a threat or I’m a mess. This cannot be a dual process. Because you say that I’m problematic and then in the very same breath that I have no influence on your conscience. You cannot have it both ways, I’m either intelligent or I’m crazed. And if you think I’m a combination of both then you’re in support of the role I chose.
Do not get freaked out that everything you do seems to have a common theme. Be amazed that your subconscious understands the grand scheme. Because your mind is the universe’s method of making itself seen.
The precedent we’re setting is incredibly scary where I can’t talk and you can’t talk unless both of us agree; where my freedom and your freedom is no longer free. Our basic freedom to think is our soul’s freedom to just be. To recognize that opinions aren’t objective is what marks our humanity; to collect our differing ideas is what make us a society.
I don’t know if we can get any more low than our current reality where people are in a race to ruin each other’s livelihoods just because they don’t like the way someone else breathes and I know we all mean well but any form of censorship is the enemy the right to feel is dissolving before our eyes and I think it’s a symptom of a bigger disease because my generation was given a broken world and we feel more in control dictating how each other speak. We all have a different mind and I want to hear the different stories but we are headed for a dystopia if we can’t agree to disagree.
I’m sad about the things that still don’t make sense. I’m sad about decisions I try not to regret. And I’m really sad but I know that I did what needed to be done. I guess I’m just sad that you never tried to stop me once.
There’s Clearly Something Wrong With Me But I Kind of Don’t Care Anymore by Valerie Parente
I once had a date try to kiss me I shoved him off of me ever so quickly. I once had a man grab me by the waist I ran off before I could see the embarrassment on his face. I once had a guy hold my hand on a walk all I could think was “I can’t wait to wash him off”. I once had a movie night with a boy that drove me crazy I was pissed when he interrupted every scene trying to touch me. I once had a guy ask me for a kiss I was so damn uncomfortable I purposely missed. I once had a boy text me over and over about his day I didn’t add him in my contacts in the hopes he’d go away. Not once, not twice, not even three times did I go out of my way to make a fool of these guys because when someone sees romantic potential in me you can bet I’ll try to sabatoge it immediately.
I hate trying to make my love life seem relevant with this nonsense in the world known as The Romance Experiment. It’s when I give someone a chance before I get the chance to vomit then I vehemently try to stop it and don’t give you any options back and forth with what I’m wanting because one second I’m terrified of being alone then the next second I’m terrified of being anything but my own. Yes it sure is fun, my love, trying to get intimate with me and when I say I want intimacy I mean intellectually.
The fear of intimacy comes from the fear of touch and the fear of touch comes from the fear of germs and the fear of germs comes from the fear of intimacy and I’m stuck in a sick cycle of social chastity.