My Timeline

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I’ve always been told I have a problem with envy. I’ve always known this. It’s my vice. It’s my greatest obstacle. It’s the source of my insecurity. For too long I have let envy control my entire outlook in life. Someone I graduated high school with is starting a family? I panic. Someone I used to be friends with has thousands of followers on Instagram? I get mad. My first crush is getting engaged? I feel hopeless. What kind of person gets upset at someone else’s positive milestones and accomplishments? Not one who will thrive in this world. And it took me a very long time to realize this. It’s odd, because I’ve been told my whole life not to compare myself to other people, but I never really listened until now. What changed to make me suddenly hear this advice? Honestly, heartache. Hard work and heartache. Working full time. Making memories with friends despite my agoraphobic exhaustion. Falling in love with someone and having to learn to let go. Learning and living and becoming a well-rounded member of society despite my mental shortcomings.

Now that I’ve shifted my thinking from envy to acceptance everything in life feels better. Has my life changed? No. Has my attitude changed? Absolutely. And I know it sounds cliché to say that you create your own reality but it really is true. My circumstances have not magically changed overnight, but over the course of a month, all complimented by the previous years of learning how to grow up and overcome multiple mental illnesses, I see my life as nothing but uniquely perfect to me.

There were always roadblocks that kept me from accepting myself and being at peace with myself. Then suddenly, after months of stress and heartache, one word seemed to be the magic that dissipated all my roadblocks…  timeline. That was it. Timeline. My timeline is not the same as anyone else’s.

I’ve always looked back on my life and been in awe of how perfectly timed every single moment of my life has been to sculpt me into the human being I am today. Accepting my past was never a problem. Accepting my present was. Accepting the future was. I had so much anxiety when I thought about my where I “should be” by now in life. Why haven’t I been in a serious relationship yet? Why haven’t I moved out of my parents’ house yet? Why haven’t I become a famous author yet? And every one of these anxious thoughts can be extinguished with the sole belief that my timeline is not the same as anyone else’s timeline. My life unfolds as it is meant to for me and does not adhere to anyone else’s standards. This was the antidote to the envy I have let control me throughout the entirety of my life. My timeline is mine. I know I am not meant to be in a serious relationship right now, so who cares when it happens? Who cares if people I graduated high school with are getting married? Seriously, who cares? How does that have any effect on me? It doesn’t… unless I let it. And that’s where the choice comes in. The conscious choice to say “I will not let someone else’s path in life govern how I perceive mine.” There is literally no point in being jealous of someone else. And I could say I don’t know why it took me so long to figure this out, but the truth is I wasn’t meant to up until now. My life and my successes or idiosyncratic and unique to me. I cannot be compared to anyone else. My life cannot be measured by someone else’s timeline. To do so is to be a slave of envy. And I have no room in my heart for that.

I can confidently say that ever since I came to this “timeline” epiphany I have been able to eliminate all of my anxiety about my place in this world without a second thought. This has been the key. I am infinitely happier with myself than ever before. Worrying about where I am or where I will be truly feels like a waste of time. I have trust. I have faith. I have acceptance. All because I was able to rid envy from my life.

playing dress up

– Valerie Parente (8-13-2019)

Evolve

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Paris

Evolve by Valerie Parente

You’re not the love of my life
You’re just a writing prompt
Someone to empathize
While I learn to grow up.

You haven’t wasted my time
You gave me a new start
Memories that will align
With the person I become.

No I haven’t left behind
The person that I was
And learning by your side
Is what helped me evolve.

You taught me what it’s like
To have respect for myself
And I finally feel alright
Without someone else.

– Valerie Parente (8-11-2019)

Your Apology

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Your Apology by Valerie Parente

Don’t apologize to me.
Apologize to yourself.
Because I have so much love to give and you chose to deprive yourself of it.

You Would Have Grown With Me

– Valerie Parente (8-7-2019)

 

The Concept of Destiny

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To those of you who do not believe in destiny, please take a moment and turn your attention to what you are grateful for. Grateful for a friend in your life? Think about the fact that you met this person, remember that there is literally an infinite amount of circumstances in the universe that could have prevented you two from meeting. You could go on forever and still never compile a complete list of all potential occurrences that could have happened to prevent the occurrence that you are grateful for. The fact that your life has unfolded in the way that it has is truly remarkable beyond anything you’ll ever be able to wholly fathom. How could you not believe you were meant to be here? How could you not believe that your story was meant to transpire exactly as it has? You are miraculous, and everything wonderful in your life is miraculous.

– Valerie Parente (8-4-2019)

I Am My Own Savior

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I have had a major breakthrough in the past few weeks.

Before I get into the details of this breakthrough, I need to reiterate the warped thought patterns I’ve had throughout my entire adolescence. Ever since I hit puberty I drilled it inside of me that finding a romantic partner was the key to happiness. And this deeply rooted belief affected me in literally every area of my life. Instead of helping me progress, it stunted all of my growth.
“When I fall in love I’ll be able to start my life.”
“When I fall in love I’ll be able to move out.”
“When I fall in love I’ll be able to stop being anorexic.”
“When I fall in love I won’t be afraid of germs anymore.”
“When I fall in love I’ll feel satisfied with my experiences.”
“When I fall in love I will have a purpose.”

And it took me a hell of a long time to realize that all of this was complete and utter nonsense. Yes, I was told over and over again that it was nonsense, but that didn’t stop me from believing this fallacy and letting it dictate my life.

I can’t tell you what exactly happened the past few weeks… but suddenly… it’s over. Those feelings are gone… and not “gone” in the sense that I kept telling myself I didn’t need someone else but in the back of my mind still longed for it; “gone” in the sense that I completely and irrevocably do not feel like I need someone. Do I want someone? Honestly I don’t really care. But do I need someone? No. Not at all.

Maybe this epiphany hit me because I started reading a lot of nonfiction and expanding my mind and forcing myself to go out and do activities on my own and be my own date for the day. I’m not sure. All I know is that beyond any fraction of a doubt I have had a major spiritual awakening. I can’t explain the “how” of it happening, but I can tell you the outcome. I, for the first time ever in my adult life, feel like I don’t need to be saved. I feel completely satisfied and at ease with the fact that I am my own savior. I am the one who is going to be with me at the end of every single day and I am going to be there for myself and I am not scared of this fact anymore because I am whole on my own. I have everything I need inside my soul and I feel truly connected to the force that created me, whether you want to call it “God” or the “universe” or whatever. I believe in myself. I believe I am made of unconditional love. I don’t need love, I am love. I can rely on myself. I refuse to wait for someone to start my life because my life is here and now and in every present moment and I truly feel like I am never alone. Something inside me feels protected and loved and so far from being on my own while paradoxically feeling like I am a soul that can rely on itself to feel complete.

Now I am just sitting content; looking back at that teenager who numbed herself with mental disorders and I cannot believe I wasted an entire decade thinking so little of myself and putting so much on hold for wait for a savior… and I am in awe that the savior my ego was crying for was me all along.

I am not afraid anymore. I am full and happy and truly in awe that I get to be me.

I do not need anything, I have me.

– Valerie Parente (8-4-2019)

I Know Where I Stand

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Serenity

I Know Where I Stand by Valerie Parente

Tell me why different rules apply to me?
and tell me why you take everything I do so personally?
tell me why I have to tip toe on such fragile feet?
tell me why the slightest move makes you retreat?
just tell me why I get treated so damn differently?

I’m not asking because I want to know the answer, I already do
I’m asking because these are questions that need to be addressed through you
And I’m not going to tell you the answer because there would be no use
You’re going to have to figure it out for yourself and face your own muse
And when that time inevitably comes, you’ll know where to find me too.

– Valerie Parente (8-3-2019)

Harmony

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Harmony by Valerie Parente

For the first time in my adult life
I’m at peace with the fact that I’m not someone else’s goal
and that’s perfectly alright
because I don’t need someone else to feel whole
and I’m having a good time getting to know
that human that is my own
and I’m learning that deep down at the level of my soul
I’m never truly alone.

Value

– Valerie Parente (7-25-2019)

You And I

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You And I by Valerie Parente

I need to stop making your problems mine…
… but they became my problem when you looked me in the eyes
and told me you despise
everything about your mind
but I think your thoughts are divine
so I said you’re one of a kind
and for those hours you cried
which was a beautiful sight
but I had to pretend to be blind
to keep you from turning to ice
then days and days went by
and you became surprised
that we were far more alike
than you were ready to find
so you made me the bad guy
and called it a crime
when I asked if you were fine
because for me to care if you’re alright
would surely be a sign
that we were on the same side
and you’re absolutely terrified
of people associating your name with mine
because then there’s a chance you might
feel emotions you’ve attempted to hide
but the truth is you were just as inclined
to see me in that light
that’s why you went and tried
to accuse me of crossing a line
even though you were the first to define
that there was a certain vibe
when it was just you and I
because one day you’d act nice
then the next day you’d pick a fight
because God forbid you admit you like
hanging out with a girl who can recognize
the anxiety you secretly abide
and I’m done obeying your fright
so I’ll call you out for your spite
whenever these feelings arise
then you’ll freak out and deny
that’s why I began to transcribe
all the psychological insight
that you try to push aside
and I’m sorry if that makes you uptight
but you can only blame your pride
because you’ve gone so long tied
between comfort and doing what’s right
for yourself and the person who understands your type
and I’m done making another compromise
for someone whose busy living a lie
and cares more about getting high
than connecting with someone who just summarized
what you’re too afraid to clarify
and if you hear me out then decide
to continue this self-destructive ride
then I hope that you realize
everything about you that I write
was an attempt to save your life
because I see you’re so dead inside
but I want you to be alive.

"Align" by Valerie Parente

Align

– Valerie Parente (6-10-2019)