Sad

Sad by Valerie Parente

I’m sad
about the things that still don’t make sense.
I’m sad
about decisions I try not to regret.
And I’m really sad
but I know that I did what needed to be done.
I guess I’m just sad
that you never tried to stop me once.

– Valerie Parente (9-23-2020)

There’s Clearly Something Wrong With Me But I Kind of Don’t Care Anymore

There’s Clearly Something Wrong With Me But I Kind of Don’t Care Anymore
by Valerie Parente

I once had a date try to kiss me
I shoved him off of me ever so quickly.
I once had a man grab me by the waist
I ran off before I could see the embarrassment on his face.
I once had a guy hold my hand on a walk
all I could think was “I can’t wait to wash him off”.
I once had a movie night with a boy that drove me crazy
I was pissed when he interrupted every scene trying to touch me.
I once had a guy ask me for a kiss
I was so damn uncomfortable I purposely missed.
I once had a boy text me over and over about his day
I didn’t add him in my contacts in the hopes he’d go away.
Not once, not twice, not even three times
did I go out of my way to make a fool of these guys
because when someone sees romantic potential in me
you can bet I’ll try to sabatoge it immediately.

– Valerie Parente (9-21-2020)

The Romance Experiment

The Romance Experiment by Valerie Parente

I hate trying to make my love life seem relevant
with this nonsense in the world known as The Romance Experiment.
It’s when I give someone a chance
before I get the chance to vomit
then I vehemently try to stop it
and don’t give you any options
back and forth with what I’m wanting
because one second I’m terrified of being alone
then the next second I’m terrified of being anything but my own.
Yes it sure is fun, my love,
trying to get intimate with me
and when I say I want intimacy
I mean intellectually.

– Valerie Parente (9-21-2020)

Sick Cycle

Sick Cycle by Valerie Parente

The fear of intimacy comes from the fear of touch
and the fear of touch comes from the fear of germs
and the fear of germs comes from the fear of intimacy
and I’m stuck in a sick cycle of social chastity.

– Valerie Parente (9-20-2020)

Authentic

Authentic by Valerie Parente

I’d rather be authentic
than perfect
and if I look ugly
in the process
at least I know
that I was honest.

– Valerie Parente (9-15-2020)

This Fear Goes So Deep

This Fear Goes So Deep by Valerie Parente

I’ve got people who want to talk
and I know what they really want is touch
they’re just trying to warm me up
and that really pisses me off.
Because I’m offended by attraction
I get defensive when you want a physical reaction.
My brain wasn’t made to pretend it doesn’t notice
when men try to fool me with a thing called romance.

I’m starting to think that my anger with the men in line
is a form of anxiety designed to defend my mind;
Yes this is a fear of intimacy ultimately
but its also a fear of being challenged intellectually
because I often feel deep disgust
by the boys who admit they have a crush
It translates into “I think that you’re stupid”
because romance involves courtship
and courtship assumes I’m desperate
and desperate translates to dumb
and dumb people don’t think, they just touch.

I feel like boys are trying to pull one over on me
all control, all of my autonomy, all the things that make me unique
and I know the intention was never to make me feel degraded
but I feel so Goddamm violated
when someone is attracted to something other than my mentality
because my intelligence is the most important part of me.
So how dare you think you’ve fooled me
into being a sexual prop or something weak.

And I’m no fool, I know I’ve only ever been in love with the guys
that I secretly know aren’t really attracted to my type
and I think that my fear is getting worse these days
ever since I broke my own heart using a friend’s name.

I know this phenomena makes no sense;
trust me, I’ve scoured all of the internet
and I can’t find other people that share this mindset
so I’m not really sure where to go next.

– Valerie Parente (9-14-2020)

You Are In Charge

You Are In Charge by Valerie Parente

I’m really sick of the narrative
that’s evolved in our society
that you are forever a victim
and you can never achieve autonomy,
that when other people hurt you
all you can do is be defeated
and blame another being
for the ways you’ve been mistreated.

There’s no room for healing
because there’s no personal responsibility
or accountability
or the ability
to take actions into your own hands
and set yourself free
because the things we teach
is that owning your faults is out of reach
and you can never rise above
because you are just a victim
and the only cure is romantic love.

Screw that toxic overdrawn narrative
that tells you to point fingers and cry.
You’re so scared to lose the battle
that you don’t even try.
There is nothing attractive
about blaming the world for your mind.

– Valerie Parente (9-13-2020)




Never Alone

Never Alone by Valerie Parente

I pray that you remember
your life in this world
is more than just yours.

When you hurt yourself
you hurt your loved ones too
and I hope you see that as proof
that you are never alone inside of you.

– Valerie Parente (9-11-2020)

My Own Fault

My Own Fault by Valerie Parente

When I was a little girl
I used to cry when a boy would tell me he had a crush on me.
I would become lightheaded and it was hard to breathe
and the only way to feel okay was to be so, so mean,
determined to make the nice boys feel sorry.

In my adult life
it’s been a lot easier to say that nobody is capable of loving me
than to accept the deeply twisted and tangled reality
that I make it near impossible for love to be received
because I am so unbelievably scared of intimacy.

So to the boys who had the nerve to ever be nice:
I apologize.
You didn’t do anything wrong and I wish you well.
You didn’t petrify me, I petrified myself.

– Valerie Parente (9-9-2020)

Past Tense Mentality

Past Tense Mentality by Valerie Parente

I only experience a small percentage of my current reality
because a huge part of me is stuck in a past tense mentality.
I have a bad habit of seeing the world like its purely history
and every fleeting moment, a potential novel in a library.
It’s a hoarder’s kind of mind, in a sense
one that values past time over presence
and that’s quite the paradox in the big scheme
because everything present becomes memory.
So when you tell me you’re done with your stay
well I was just warming up to yesterday.

– Valerie Parente (9-9-2020)