The Very Real Reality

The Very Real Reality by Valerie Parente

I talk openly about my mental health
in the hopes that it helps
the people who have a hard time with words
who need a voice that understands the hurt.
These themes revolve around love and loss
and how it replays in obsessive thoughts.
To some it may not seem pretty
but a light needs to be shined on OCD
instead of just ridiculed and teased
because this is the very real reality.
These are not personal attacks, they’re symptoms of a mental disorder
it’s not commentary on anybody except the sufferer
I pray you can separate yourself from my mental health journey and find solace in this truth
that when it comes down to brain chemistry, this has nothing to do with you.
You deserve to lead a life that is happy and free
but please, don’t look for that through me.

– Valerie Parente (8-21-2020)

Note to Self

Note to Self by Valerie Parente

Don’t say you’re doing something for someone else when you’re really just trying to keep the story straight that your ego has been writing.
Don’t tell someone they’re broken and act like it’s to help them when it’s really just rooted in your need to feel valued.
Don’t send the opposite message of what you really mean when what you really want is for someone to fight for you.
Don’t lie to yourself or the ones you love any more.
Be brutally honest with yourself until it hurts, then begin to heal.
Because you can’t heal until you feel that hurt.
And you hurt the ones you love when you don’t heal yourself.

– Valerie Parente (12-13-2019)

the truth is, I’m frustrated

the truth is, I’m frustrated by Valerie Parente

"the truth is, I'm frustrated" by Valerie Parente

I’ve been the strong one. I’ve proved I’m smart, have a heart, and can read the mind of the most troubled. I’ve traveled, I’ve stayed, I’ve gone out of my way, I’ve done everything under the sun to prove that I am good enough. I’ve felt high, I’ve felt brave, I’ve felt the electricity every cliché claims. I’ve given time, I’ve given space, and left you so amazed. I’ve been brutally honest, I’ve been reassuring, even when my mind was hurting. I’ve been a friend, I’ve been family, I’ve been a team-player even when you played me. I’ve been wise, I’ve been right, and I understand your mind when I write my lines. I’ve been forgiving, I’ve maintained a good mood even when I should have been rude. I’ve been sweet, I’ve been grateful, even when I should have hated you. I’ve been impressive, I’ve been respectful, I’ve shielded you from my pain even when it drove me mental. I’ve gone above and beyond and I did it for what?

At what point did I go wrong?
I see a boy care about me then I watch it dissolve.

What is it about me that nobody wants?
Because every time I care I become the saddest person of all.

The truth is, I’m frustrated, and I think I have every right to be. Because I’ve been the kindest person of all and the girl God needed from me. So why the hell am I alone? Why the hell am I unseen? I’m right in front of your faces being the best damn version of me.
Call me crazy, why not?
But I think it’s a damn shame
when you’re there for someone’s darkest hour but they won’t give you the time of day.

All I want is to be loved.
And I think I’m fairly done.
Because I don’t know how much longer I can be the strong one.

– Valerie Parente (5-28-2019)

Comparing Scars

Tiara

Comparing Scars by Valerie Parente

I don’t feel great when other girls talk about their pain
because I feel like I have to one-up them just to validate my struggle
and I know it’s ridiculous that I actually feel jealous
of someone else’s suffering as if it’s a form of currency
like it’s a competition of whose scar is more impressing
I feel the need to defeat her by showing a cut that’s deeper
because if I’m the one who’s talked about then maybe I’ll no longer doubt myself.

I know it’s sick and warped how much I crave to be heard
I’m longing for attention more than I long for redemption
I don’t need some comfort, all I need is to come first
some kind of stage or grand display to say my hardship wasn’t in vain
it’s not just about being different, it’s about justifying the infliction
all that I’ve carved upon myself instead of asking for some help
and I know this truth is ugly but I need to speak with honesty
because if I can’t at least be real then there’s no point to how I feel.

– Valerie Parente (5-19-2019)