Figure Out Your Feelings

Figure Out Your Feelings by Valerie Parente

I hate when people pretend to feel neutral about something
when they already care.
And I hate when you pretend not to want me
then miss me when I’m not there.
Please figure out your feelings
because I don’t know how much more I can bare.

Screw You

– Valerie Parente (11-24-2019)

Old Soul

Old Soul by Valerie Parente

You think I was born yesterday
Because of all the things I don’t say
In a sense, yes, I’m inexperienced
But don’t mistake innocence with ignorance
We all have a third eye, the mind’s spy
Sometimes it’s best to pretend mine is blind.

I haven’t made the same memories as you
But the memories I’ve made give me a clue
It’s something called empathy, you learn as you live
Based on our own journey we learn what to give
And I’m giving off a vibe that I don’t recognize the signs
While I’m laughing inside because I’ve lived the same lie.

No I wasn’t born yesterday
I’m just an old soul in this new age
Recalling what it means to be human
Through a lens focused on how you’ve been
The question isn’t if I understand your side
The question is why do I still try.

Felicia

– Valerie Parente (9-27-2019)

You And I

You And I by Valerie Parente

I need to stop making your problems mine…
… but they became my problem when you looked me in the eyes
and told me you despise
everything about your mind
but I think your thoughts are divine
so I said you’re one of a kind
and for those hours you cried
which was a beautiful sight
but I had to pretend to be blind
to keep you from turning to ice
then days and days went by
and you became surprised
that we were far more alike
than you were ready to find
so you made me the bad guy
and called it a crime
when I asked if you were fine
because for me to care if you’re alright
would surely be a sign
that we were on the same side
and you’re absolutely terrified
of people associating your name with mine
because then there’s a chance you might
feel emotions you’ve attempted to hide
but the truth is you were just as inclined
to see me in that light
that’s why you went and tried
to accuse me of crossing a line
even though you were the first to define
that there was a certain vibe
when it was just you and I
because one day you’d act nice
then the next day you’d pick a fight
because God forbid you admit you like
hanging out with a girl who can recognize
the anxiety you secretly abide
and I’m done obeying your fright
so I’ll call you out for your spite
whenever these feelings arise
then you’ll freak out and deny
that’s why I began to transcribe
all the psychological insight
that you try to push aside
and I’m sorry if that makes you uptight
but you can only blame your pride
because you’ve gone so long tied
between comfort and doing what’s right
for yourself and the person who understands your type
and I’m done making another compromise
for someone whose busy living a lie
and cares more about getting high
than connecting with someone who just summarized
what you’re too afraid to clarify
and if you hear me out then decide
to continue this self-destructive ride
then I hope that you realize
everything about you that I write
was an attempt to save your life
because I see you’re so dead inside
but I want you to be alive.

"Align" by Valerie Parente

Align

– Valerie Parente (6-10-2019)

the truth is, I’m frustrated

the truth is, I’m frustrated by Valerie Parente

"the truth is, I'm frustrated" by Valerie Parente

I’ve been the strong one. I’ve proved I’m smart, have a heart, and can read the mind of the most troubled. I’ve traveled, I’ve stayed, I’ve gone out of my way, I’ve done everything under the sun to prove that I am good enough. I’ve felt high, I’ve felt brave, I’ve felt the electricity every cliché claims. I’ve given time, I’ve given space, and left you so amazed. I’ve been brutally honest, I’ve been reassuring, even when my mind was hurting. I’ve been a friend, I’ve been family, I’ve been a team-player even when you played me. I’ve been wise, I’ve been right, and I understand your mind when I write my lines. I’ve been forgiving, I’ve maintained a good mood even when I should have been rude. I’ve been sweet, I’ve been grateful, even when I should have hated you. I’ve been impressive, I’ve been respectful, I’ve shielded you from my pain even when it drove me mental. I’ve gone above and beyond and I did it for what?

At what point did I go wrong?
I see a boy care about me then I watch it dissolve.

What is it about me that nobody wants?
Because every time I care I become the saddest person of all.

The truth is, I’m frustrated, and I think I have every right to be. Because I’ve been the kindest person of all and the girl God needed from me. So why the hell am I alone? Why the hell am I unseen? I’m right in front of your faces being the best damn version of me.
Call me crazy, why not?
But I think it’s a damn shame
when you’re there for someone’s darkest hour but they won’t give you the time of day.

All I want is to be loved.
And I think I’m fairly done.
Because I don’t know how much longer I can be the strong one.

– Valerie Parente (5-28-2019)

Intervention

Intervention by Valerie Parente

You don’t need to wreak havoc to feel important
You don’t need to argue to feel driven
You don’t need to run away to feel chased.

You are already so important in your friends’ minds
You are already so driven when you let yourself care
You are already so appreciated when you stick around.

And if you have a problem with me calling you out
if you have a problem with me seeing your value
then that’s an issue you have to confront with yourself
because I’m never going to stop rooting for you.

– Valerie Parente (5-14-2019)

Intention

Intention by Valerie Parente

He was sick. Nose stuffed. Ears blocked. Miserable on the couch. His only movement came from his fatigued thumb gently scrolling through the phone.

“Open the door” came a text from his close friend.

His eyes burned. He hesitantly typed, “Door’s unlocked”

The floorboards creaked as the girl walked into the loft with a bright smile and a piping hot container clasped between her hands.

“I got you your favorite soup from downtown. Maybe it’ll make you feel better.”

He didn’t get up. He didn’t thank her. “Why did you do that?”

In that split second her eyes shifted from glowing to deeply hurt.

She didn’t shut down. She didn’t back track. She said what needed to be said. “What is wrong with you?” Those piercing words sounded more like they were begging for an answer than asking a simple question.

“I- I just don’t know why you’d waste your time-”

“Don’t pretend you have my best interest in mind,” she snapped. You never would have guessed that this was the same sweet and giddy girl that just came skating into the loft.

He knew he had a problem. He knew this was his problem but his mind was trying so hard to categorize this as her problem. His thoughts cranked away, trying to rationalize the panic coursing through his veins in a way that didn’t pin the blame on him.

The problem wasn’t that she did something nice for him. The problem was that she paid attention to what his favorite soup was. The problem was that she went out of her way to drive to his favorite take-out restaurant and then in another direction to his loft. The problem was that she thought, in her time alone, that doing something for him would be a worthy use of her energy. The problem was that she thought of him.

Before he could translate his thoughts into verbal daggers she called him out.

“How miserable it must be to be you,” she shook her head in disbelief, “How little do you think of yourself that you feel the need to stop or shame anybody for caring about you? Not just doing a nice favor for you… but really caring for you. Understanding you. Just because you don’t see your own value doesn’t mean I have to stop caring. You hate yourself so you project all of that onto me and I am so sick of it.” Her mouth quivered in contrast to how strong and stern her tone was.

He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t figure out a rebuttal fast enough.

“I am NOT your punching bag!” she cried out with a voice so strained you could hear the exhaustion in her vocal chords.

He rubbed his fingertips on his bloodshot eyes up to his temples. Why was he like this? Hurting her feelings was never his intention. His intention… well… what was his intention? He didn’t know.

Her eyes were wet but she didn’t break eye contact. “I’m not going to apologize for having emotions just because you can’t handle your own! I am entitled to feel things when I’m around you. I’m not going to let your self-hatred stop me. I’m sorry but that’s not a war you’re going to win.”

He panicked, “I- I’m sorry-”

“I don’t want to hear ‘I’m sorry’!” she was crying now. “I want you to get professional help! I need you to! I need you to be okay! I need you to accept yourself! I need you to take care of yourself! I need you to understand your worth! And in order to get to that point you’re going to need to cry and hurt and feel a whole bunch of uncomfortable feelings and I need you to know that it’s going to get better… and I need you to believe me when I say that! Because if you don’t get to a healthy point then you’re going to lose… and if you can’t handle someone having emotions around you then you’re going to wind up alone.”

Alone.

That.

That was his intention.

A dominating part of him was trying to push people away. Not just any people. The people who care… really care. The people who get inside his head. The closer they were to understanding him when he couldn’t even understand himself meant the harder he needed to push. And she understood him and she got in his head and she saw all his flaws but still cared. That’s why this girl was getting the brunt of his insecurity-spawned and fear-born frustration. An unconscious facet of his brain was trying with full force to wind up alone… because being alone would be easier than handling the emotions that come to the surface when you have a real connection with someone.

– Valerie Parente (4-22-2019)

Natural

Natural by Valerie Parente

I had no idea how much I cared
Until behaviors that I could not explain started kicking in
I started feeling without daydreaming
I started laughing without meaning
I started helping without intending
I started sacrificing without resenting

I do not force an emotion
But a natural force compels my mood
I do not intend to cry
But the tears begin to pool
I do not consciously try to think
But the sad thoughts venture through
I do not understand what is happening inside
I do not have a stance on what I cannot define

All I know is how much I care
With a new capacity I had no idea was there.
Now I realize that this feeling came from
Nature’s most beautiful miracle, called love.

"Blossom" by Valerie Parente

– Valerie Parente (8-8-17)