The Beauty of Darkness (I)

The Beauty of Darkness (I) by Valerie Parente

I find
the most unwavering comfort
in my dark moods
because they remind me
that I am human
just like you.

– Valerie Parente (11-1-2020)

I’m The Bad Guy

I’m The Bad Guy by Valerie Parente

I’m the bad guy
because I knew how to use my words to paint a picture of how it felt inside.
I’m the bad guy
because I wanted someone I cared about to have a permanent place in my life.
Somehow I’m the bitch and cold-hearted
because I removed myself so you could have the relationship that you wanted.
I’m the bitch and a creep
because losing all the good times devastated me.
I’m the psycho and a trouble-maker
for the tumultuous sadness I’ve put to paper.

I guess it just amazes me that to this day
I’m the one with all the blame
for the hyper-sensitivity I put on display,
the thing about me you once called a strength.
And you might ask “Why is she not over this yet?
Why can’t she shut up and just forget?”
But who cares? This is anonymous.
If its hard to read, that’s your own conscience.

I’m doing better in so many ways
but I think that as the seasons change
it reminds me of the old days
and that brings back a lot of pain
because nothing destroyed me more than when I left
well aware that I was about to lose a good friend
and every now and then I just need to express
the very worst feelings that once felt the best
because it’s still confusing to comprehend.

I want nothing but the ability to cope
with the scars that once marked my hope
and I’m not sure why I even have to explain myself
to the very people who ridiculed my mental health.

– Valerie Parente (10-3-2020)

How It Is

How It Is by Valerie Parente

How tragic it must be
to know you are someone else’s life lesson
in the grand scheme.

How frustrating it has been
to know I look like the bad guy
in someone else’s conscience.

But how remarkable it truly is
that being on someone’s mind
can have an impact on their life.

– Valerie Parente (9-26-2020)

Sad

Sad by Valerie Parente

I’m sad
about the things that still don’t make sense.
I’m sad
about decisions I try not to regret.
And I’m really sad
but I know that I did what needed to be done.
I guess I’m just sad
that you never tried to stop me once.

– Valerie Parente (9-23-2020)

how did I get it so wrong?

how did I get it so wrong? by Valerie Parente

You think I’m devastated from losing you
but I realize now, I never lost you,
I lost the person I thought you were.
I thought you were a best friend that valued my company,
I thought you were a best friend that I could spend hours talking to about anything and everything,
I thought you were a best friend that I could go on adventures with and learn what it means to be an adult with,
and the most devastating realization of all is that I thought you were a best friend who would never dare hurt me in the way that you did…
because you said you’d get back to me while I was struggling to breathe but as I was fighting for my breath you couldn’t have cared less and as the months came and went you replaced all the time we spent in a matter of seconds
and now I realize with tears in my eyes that to me you were the person I wanted to share my life but to you I was just a fill-in-the-blank until you found a better name.
I’m not saying you’re not allowed to grow up and have a life but, dear God, why did you have to make a game out of mine?

To anyone who’s cruel enough to call me a crazy bitch
because I have to write it all down since I still can’t speak about it out loud
then go ahead, do your worst, because I’m already hurt.
If it makes me a lunatic to be devastated by losing the past few years to someone who left me hanging in my own noose then go ahead and cut out my brain, examine its flaws, because I’ll be the first one to say that I’m a lost cause.

– Valerie Parente (8-6-2020)