This Fear Goes So Deep by Valerie Parente

I’ve got people who want to talk
and I know what they really want is touch
they’re just trying to warm me up
and that really pisses me off.
Because I’m offended by attraction
I get defensive when you want a physical reaction.
My brain wasn’t made to pretend it doesn’t notice
when men try to fool me with a thing called romance.

I’m starting to think that my anger with the men in line
is a form of anxiety designed to defend my mind;
Yes this is a fear of intimacy ultimately
but its also a fear of being challenged intellectually
because I often feel deep disgust
by the boys who admit they have a crush
It translates into “I think that you’re stupid”
because romance involves courtship
and courtship assumes I’m desperate
and desperate translates to dumb
and dumb people don’t think, they touch.

I feel like boys are trying to pull one over on me
all control, all of my autonomy, all the things that make me unique
and I know the intention was never to make me feel degraded
but I feel so Goddamm violated
when someone is attracted to something other than my mentality
because my intelligence is the most important part of me.
So how dare you think you’ve fooled me
into being a sexual prop or something weak.

And I’m no fool, I know I’ve only ever been in love with the guys
that I secretly know aren’t really attracted to my type
and I think that my fear is getting worse these days
ever since I broke my own heart using a friend’s name.

I know this phenomena makes no sense;
trust me, I’ve scoured all of the internet
and I can’t find other people that share this mindset
so I’m not really sure where to go next.

– Valerie Parente (9-14-2020)