Cruelty & Credulity by Valerie Parente
Not knowing what is normal has become the norm for me.
And not knowing what’s real has become my reality.
I’m trying to be mindful of what’s fabricated in my mind.
So the cruelest thing you could do is make me believe that my perception is make-believe.
– Valerie Parente (1-31-2020)
Playing With Storms (Diagnose Me) by Valerie Parente
I’ve got five different disorders and I can’t afford to be diagnosed with another
But ever since the grief I’ve feel like my brain has spawned a new monster
My emotions are so intense and I freak out then repent
People ask me why I acted out
and I honestly can’t remember why
I remember doing the deed
but I don’t remember why I felt it was necessary
all I remember is that I really truly believed in the feeling’s intensity
and I played with thunderous storms even though I don’t even like the noise
and I think that’s pretty scary
when you can go 25 years understanding the string between your actions and emotions
then suddenly don’t remember why you did something so intense
its like you’re sitting in a backseat watching yourself
there’s a barrier between you and what you do
a major disconnect
and I can’t even begin to try to figure out why
I just know that my mind has become so hard to find
I’ve got five other disorders that I understand inside and out
but I don’t understand the reasoning behind this new rage filled spree
It would be so much easier to address this if someone could just diagnose me.
Please, just diagnose this storm inside of me.
Because then I can begin to master the storms artfully.
– Valerie Parente (1-28-2020)
Real Things by Valerie Parnete
You say that my fantasies aren’t real
but my fantasies influence my reality
far more than the things you say.
– Valerie Parente (1-19-2020)
I’m The Crazy One by Valerie Parente
I’m the crazy one
because I say how I feel right from the start
I’m the crazy one
because I’m brutally honest in all of my art
I’m the crazy one
because I try so hard to be my own savior
then fall prey to self-destructive behavior
and I’m not fucking sure who to trust
the girl I’ve rationalized within me
or the crazy one you all claim to see.
– Valerie Parente (1-11-2020)
Mirror Image by Valerie Parente
Everything I accused you of, I manifested in myself.
Every letter I wrote to you was a letter to myself.
All the pain and hidden motives I assumed you felt I assumed in myself.
All of my accusations were a mirror image of myself.
You didn’t push me away, I pushed myself away. Because the ego inside this head tried to sabotage any chance of another ego helping me out of this hole I call my soul.
– Valerie Parente (12-18-2019)
Toxins by Valerie Parente
I became the person I tried not to be
because it got way too hard being me.
– Valerie Parente (12-12-2019)
My Hope by Valerie Parente
I know that I’m going to have obsessions
all I ask is that my obsessions not be in vain
that I’m able to convey these motifs in my brain
in ways that resonate with the people who don’t know what to say.
– Valerie Parente (6-28-2019)
Paradox Lock by Valerie Parente
I am tense where I am supposed to be open
So I pretend that this is a voluntary means of coping
Just a treasure I’ve been withholding.
But the truth is I have no control
of the impossible pain that takes its toll.
I am a lock who is supposed to love a key.
The very thing meant to set me free
is the same cause for my strong agony.
What they call the highest of highs
comes through me as the loneliest night.
I am exhausted when I am supposed to be energized.
They say this problem has psychological ties
manifesting as fear deep inside.
But if this is true then why can’t I recall
the very trauma that started this all?
For so long I was stuck with this mystery.
Where could I find this abnormality?
After they pointed out reality
I read into how this condition thrives
but I am still left wondering why.
– Valerie Parente (11-22-2017)
Comparing Scars by Valerie Parente
I don’t feel great when other girls talk about their pain
because I feel like I have to one-up them just to validate my struggle
and I know it’s ridiculous that I actually feel jealous
of someone else’s suffering as if it’s a form of currency
like it’s a competition of whose scar is more impressing
I feel the need to defeat her by showing a cut that’s deeper
because if I’m the one who’s talked about then maybe I’ll no longer doubt myself.
I know it’s sick and warped how much I crave to be heard
I’m longing for attention more than I long for redemption
I don’t need some comfort, all I need is to come first
some kind of stage or grand display to say my hardship wasn’t in vain
it’s not just about being different, it’s about justifying the infliction
all that I’ve carved upon myself instead of asking for some help
and I know this truth is ugly but I need to speak with honesty
because if I can’t at least be real then there’s no point to how I feel.
– Valerie Parente (5-19-2019)
My entire life has been me struggling to figure out what is real and what my OCD is tricking me into believing. I’m always trying to figure out if my feelings are just results of something fictitious I made up in my head or if these feelings are really there in the air. I just need you to own up to the truth because if you really did lead me to feel a certain way and choose to lie that I made it up in my head then that is literally the cruelest thing you could ever do to me.
– Valerie Parente (5-10-2019)
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