Tag: mental disorder

Mermaid Hair & A Little Black Dress

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Mermaid Hair & A Little Black Dress
by Valerie Parente

Mermaid hair and a little black dress
one for my inner child
one for her last breath.

Because I wasn’t ready
to grow up just yet
so when I felt wronged
I found poetic justice.

They said “what do you want to be when you grow up?”
and I said “a girl with mermaid hair”
for all the times as a kid
that I was too scared
of the fateful hour glass
and its ground of sand
so I stuck my head in the clouds
not all quite there
regressing and digressing
into my own fairy tale.

They said “dress as the impression you want to give”
so I wore a little black dress
’cause black goes with everything
and I’m an artist
breaking down reality
so it all makes sense
to little kid me
and the woman she respects
so that one fateful day
the heart in my chest
will end its marathon
with little to no regrets.

– Valerie Parente (5-11-2025)

Flood

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Flood by Valerie Parente

Numb
numb
numb
then like a flood
I felt it all
grief, guilt, but most of all
the feeling of being loved
and I could never be mad
at the way my loved ones loved me
when I was incapable
of feeling sorry
because they were the ones that cared
when I was too scared
and they cried
cried
cried
like a flood
in dry air.

I feel it all now
for all those times that I caused pain
and I just want my support system to know
the love was never in vain
the storm clouds are gone
but I am here, I remain
and I am more grateful
than a flower is to rain.

– Valerie Parente (5-9-2025)

Semi-Lucid

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Semi-Lucid by Valerie Parente

I have semi-lucid dreams
with a blurry kind of vividness
I am aware of my surroundings
but I am just a witness
I cannot actively make decisions
prefrontal cortex with a stillness
I go on watching, learning
yet I am somehow complicit
like I can choose my moves
but my stance can only pivot
through endless possibilities
yet my discretion has a limit.

I think being semi-lucid
mirrors my awake state
when it comes to my obsessions
and the anxiety they create
because I am like a witness
I watch myself fixate
and all I can do is bystand
hoping others can separate
the me that knows it’s crazy
with the me that’s crazy anyways.

When the moon crosses the sky
and the dreamcatcher chases me alive
I am tripping through the semi-lucid
rediscovering the fabric of my mind.

– Valerie Parente (4-26-2025)

Get A Grip

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Get A Grip by Valerie Parente

They said “Get a grip!”
but I wouldn’t listen
because my favorite place
used to be in my head
but that wasn’t a place
it was a method
of coping with all
that remained unsaid
in the real world
when I felt abandoned
so I taught myself
to daydream instead.

It wasn’t until
that grip loosened
I learned who I was
and felt alive again.
I was able to create
when I’d reflect
and it was actually better
than I could ever imagine.
No more make believe
no more need to pretend
flesh and bone was superior
even if it bled.

You are my totem
my rhyme and reason
the thing that reminds me
that I am human.
You are my awakening
my reality check
the thing that made it all
begin to make sense.

You are now my favorite place
an existence I can understand
and when they say “get a grip”
I will hold onto your hand.

– Valerie Parente (4-10-2025)

A Mystery

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A Mystery by Valerie Parente

When you were young
you wanted to be left alone
for the sole purpose
of attracting a hero.

You didn’t want to be a spouse
you didn’t want to be a camaraderie
you didn’t want to be a parent
you wanted to be a mystery.

You’d sit alone in silence
where smiles were forbidden
because if they understood how you felt
they’d lose all interest.

You were adolescent and vulnerable
and deep in your sins
but would you believe
you were still innocent?

Never call it a conscious choice
when you were tricked to choose
by the shadows in predispositions
trauma of the old and the new.

Despite it all, you wouldn’t call it hell
the pain you endured in the past
hell would have been going through it all
without the support system you had.

You nearly lost it all to the shadows
but you made it out with so much more
manifesting your own enlightenment
you became the hero you longed for.

It is no longer a mystery
how the light shined through
it came through all the cracks
of the hearts that broke for you.

And if you could tell your younger self
one little clue
let it be the resounding phrase
“I forgive you”.

– Valerie Parente (2-8-2025)

Scar Tissue

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Scar Tissue by Valerie Parente

You are designed
to heal from the inside out
it can be ugly on the surface
but you should be proud
because these marks take time
and show your defiance to pain
its the art of surviving
so unique to your shape.
You are your own hero
but don’t forget, you are human
and healing takes time
don’t make any sudden movements.
Know when to tend to wounds
and when pain’s at its end
remember, scars don’t bleed
unless you pick at them.

– Valerie Parente (2-6-2025)

Queen of Aversions

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Queen of Aversions by Valerie Parente

I have an endless list of aversions
since age 0, almost to my 30s
and it should come as no surprise
that it permeates every area of my life
so here’s my regal attempt
to call out my constant contempt.

The tense muscle, toes curling
intense reflex type of aversion
have to look away
kind of public display
is quite a strong affliction
for someone who claims indifference.

There’s a passion in aversion
a self-preservation so determined
because I don’t fear what’s not special
I fear the things that have potential
so when asked for proof, I’m self-destructive
with only answers in the form of assumptions.

To be one who feels so vehemently
there’s a very distinct possibility
that I falsely identified
the feeling of butterflies
as a sickness to the stomach
because my anxiety was confronted.

Could it really be a coincidence
that the girl with issues so intimate
always just so happens
to never find attraction?
As if I could accurately gage
fingers on the pulse of tangled veins.

Maybe I was just nervous
because on paper it was perfect
and I’m not used to face to face
facing my weakness, facing my strength
and I know I said I didn’t feel any romance
but the truth is, I didn’t give it a fighting chance.

– Valerie Parente (2-21-2024)

No Cobwebs

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No Cobwebs by Valerie Parente

The corners of my mind
are cobweb free
from the ever so incessant
repetitive activity.

I’ve never had the patience
to let the dust settle
and I know you need time
to let yourself develop.

Inside this headspace
I struggle to comprehend
why I want the same thing
over and over again.

The surfaces I touch
succumb to age
but here I am
nestled in the same place.

There are no cobwebs
when you always need to be clean
and it is this habit
that makes it hard to leave.

– Valerie Parente (2-1-2024)

Funhouse Reflex Hex

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Funhouse Reflex Hex by Valerie Parente

I have come up with a perfect spell
to keep my body dysmorphia in check,
a hex that allows me to see my mind as it is flawed
and my perception as how those flaws manifest.
First I look at someone I find beautiful
and all I see is skinny and perfect
then I imagine my face on the same exact body
and suddenly all I see is excess.
It is this brilliant trick
that takes me out of my own head,
it is this foolproof witchcraft
I call my Funhouse Reflex Hex
where I can finally separate my reality
from the mental virus
and I can see the flaws aren’t in my appearance,
they’re in the psychological defects.

– Valerie Parente (1-31-2024)

Don’t Cry for Me

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Don’t Cry for Me by Valerie Parente

My innocence was bid
once I had unwanted thoughts
so don’t you dare patronize me
with a sign of a cross.
You beg for my forgiveness
from the very same God
that gave me my condition
when I didn’t ask to be flawed.
I make my own power
in the way that I respond
that is in my control
and your control of me is lost.

– Valerie Parente (12-22-2023)