Poetry Reading & Analysis (Lady Luna and the Light Inside ~ Order In Disorder ~ Inquiries) (VIDEO)

Features “Lady Luna and the Light Inside”, “Order In Disorder”,
and “Inquiries”
from The Artist, The Muse on Amazon.com

This Fear Goes So Deep

This Fear Goes So Deep by Valerie Parente

I’ve got people who want to talk
and I know what they really want is touch
they’re just trying to warm me up
and that really pisses me off.
Because I’m offended by attraction
I get defensive when you want a physical reaction.
My brain wasn’t made to pretend it doesn’t notice
when men try to fool me with a thing called romance.

I’m starting to think that my anger with the men in line
is a form of anxiety designed to defend my mind;
Yes this is a fear of intimacy ultimately
but its also a fear of being challenged intellectually
because I often feel deep disgust
by the boys who admit they have a crush
It translates into “I think that you’re stupid”
because romance involves courtship
and courtship assumes I’m desperate
and desperate translates to dumb
and dumb people don’t think, they just touch.

I feel like boys are trying to pull one over on me
all control, all of my autonomy, all the things that make me unique
and I know the intention was never to make me feel degraded
but I feel so Goddamm violated
when someone is attracted to something other than my mentality
because my intelligence is the most important part of me.
So how dare you think you’ve fooled me
into being a sexual prop or something weak.

And I’m no fool, I know I’ve only ever been in love with the guys
that I secretly know aren’t really attracted to my type
and I think that my fear is getting worse these days
ever since I broke my own heart using a friend’s name.

I know this phenomena makes no sense;
trust me, I’ve scoured all of the internet
and I can’t find other people that share this mindset
so I’m not really sure where to go next.

– Valerie Parente (9-14-2020)

Past Tense Mentality

Past Tense Mentality by Valerie Parente

I only experience a small percentage of my current reality
because a huge part of me is stuck in a past tense mentality.
I have a bad habit of seeing the world like its purely history
and every fleeting moment, a potential novel in a library.
It’s a hoarder’s kind of mind, in a sense
one that values past time over presence
and that’s quite the paradox in the big scheme
because everything present becomes memory.
So when you tell me you’re done with your stay
well I was just warming up to yesterday.

– Valerie Parente (9-9-2020)

Minds change but hers stays the same

Minds change but hers stays the same by Valerie Parente

She makes an effort not to cry every day
and the professionals don’t know what to say
because she’s well aware that sympathy fades
and people lose interest when you’re not okay
but she’s already made it up in her broken brain
that she’s going to mourn until she can replace
all the memories she was risky enough to make.
She knows it’s not a healthy way to operate,
she understands how a psyche builds and breaks
and she can read a mind from a mile away
but that’s what got her in this vulnerable place,
she forgot that other minds can give and take
and she kept giving to what became an empty space
because she was hyper aware of another’s mental state
and that’s why it hurts so much when minds change,
that’s why it hurts her so much, every day.

– Valerie Parente (9-7-2020)

The Very Real Reality

The Very Real Reality by Valerie Parente

I talk openly about my mental health
in the hopes that it helps
the people who have a hard time with words
who need a voice that understands the hurt.
These themes revolve around love and loss
and how it replays in obsessive thoughts.
To some it may not seem pretty
but a light needs to be shined on OCD
instead of just ridiculed and teased
because this is the very real reality.
These are not personal attacks, they’re symptoms of a mental disorder
it’s not commentary on anybody except the sufferer
I pray you can separate yourself from my mental health journey and find solace in this truth
that when it comes down to brain chemistry, this has nothing to do with you.
You deserve to lead a life that is happy and free
but please, don’t look for that through me.

– Valerie Parente (8-21-2020)

Cogs In This Machine

Cogs In This Machine by Valerie Parente

The cogs in this machine
get stuck on repeat frequently,
I understand the mechanics of my mind
and how it operates on rapid fire,
but sometimes I need to be checked
because I have a tendency to forget
that’s its not normal to dwell and replay
and every now and then I need an update,
it’s gonna take a little grease
to loosen up my psyche,
so if you tell me its time for a cleanse
I’ll take your word and reflect,
it’s not easy for me but I’ll lend my trust
I’ll get down in the dirt and scrape the rust,
then when I get these OCD gears turning again
I’ll try to remember the importance of maintenance.

– Valerie Parente (8-10-2020)

“In Touch” Excerpt (VIDEO)

Happy 2 year anniversary since I published my realistic fiction novel
about obsessive compulsive disorder, “In Touch“!
In honor of the anniversary I read an excerpt from the novel on my YouTube channel.

Book Summary: “Undergraduate physics student, Jef Sterling, has done enough textbook reading to know that the universe is home to countless mind-blowing discoveries. But Jef never expected one of those discoveries to be the mind of an obsessive compulsive writer sharing the same campus as him. After reading a poem by Lacey Parker about her personal struggle with OCD, Jef’s highly rational brain fixates on uncovering the mysteries held captive in Lacey’s highly irrational brain. Throughout the course of a school year these two students exchange ideas that merge science with art, reality with fantasy, and physical phenomena with mental phenomena. While learning from one another Jef makes it his mission to make sense of Lacey’s nonsensical disorder and all of its incredible ironies; how she lives by the notion of feeling everything emotionally but dreads feeling anything physically, how her mind lives to protect as it gradually wreaks destruction, and most paradoxically how both Lacey’s most rewarding qualities and most detrimental flaws manifest from the same brain. In Touch by Valerie Parente is a realistic fiction novel alive with intellectual discussion, mental strife, heartache, and anecdotal insight into the cognitive confines of obsessive compulsive disorder.”

Trust Me, I’m Okay

Trust Me, I’m Okay by Valerie Parente

I think people think that I’m stuck in place
because I still talk about the pain
but I swear that’s not the case;
it’s just hard to verbally move on
when you have ritualistic thoughts
and such a prevalent mental scar.
I promise that at the core of my ego
I truly don’t want what I wanted three months ago
I just can’t help but memorize the pain from your low blow.
Trust me, I’m okay today and every other day.
Sometimes timing just doesn’t matter with the OCD brain
and it’s just a matter of accepting the ways our mind plays.

– Valerie Parente (7-23-2020)