Dirt

Dirt by Valerie Parente

I strolled back to that field of dirt
where the trauma was at its worst
and suddenly I’m twelve again
and I feel absolutely no different.
So much dirt on my hands
Like I didn’t stand a chance
Because I was way too deep
In the dirt beneath my feet.
And I can see it now
The seeds meant to sprout.
The place where I was supposed to grow a garden
But a bunch of rowdy kids interrupted the harvest.
Throwing dirt at my name
When I was at that critical age.
My mind is twenty-six years old and it hasn’t forgotten
All the times those kids teased me just for talking.
“Do you want to dance with her?” some girl asked,
“Never,” the popular boy laughed.
It’s taken me a decade and a half
To realize I’ve been wearing that past,
Attracted to the trauma of being unwanted
That’s why I fall for men who aren’t options.
And I’m fairly certain there’s a part of me
That’s been trying to understand why I was teased
That’s why I looked for the worst in myself
And fell into an adolescent kind of hell.
Back then I just dismissed and dismissed
Because I knew that kids will be kids.
In a way I was more sensible back then
Because now I feel the need to openly obsess.
That’s why I visited this field of dirt in the first place
I figured it was about time to unearth that pain.
I’m not upset, I’m not mad.
I just wanna know what about me was so bad
That they felt the need to throw that dirt
When I was just a twelve year old girl
Minding my own business in my own garden
Planting a future I almost walked in.

Its not about trying to re-hash old wounds
It’s about trying to get to the root.
Because there’s trauma under this ground
and I think I’m ready to dig it out.
There is so much beauty in retrospect
Because as I look back, the clouds roll in.
Now the rain is coming down
And those seeds are finally ready to sprout.

– Valerie Parente (12-10-2020)

I Don’t Care About “I’m Sorry”

I Don’t Care About “I’m Sorry” by Valerie Parente

Over a decade of deep hurt
frustration that became a part of me
I longed for an explanation to return
but I don’t care about “I’m sorry”.
I realize I’m not going to be cured
by someone else’s apology.
I need to do the inner work
to become the savior I want to be
and I’m flattered by the remorse
but I can’t depend on a back and forth
to remind me of my self-worth
when I can find solace in my own words.

– Valerie Parente (8-20-2020)

Black Hole

Vrikshasana

Black Hole by Valerie Parente

Why is it that
my deepest pain
is not the pain of loss or betrayal or heartbreak
it’s the pain that has no reason for being there
no origin
as if I was simply born with this
and I can’t help but wonder
do other people feel this too?
An inexplicable pull into a black hole? Meant to consume.

– Valerie Parente (3-3-2020)

Games

"Roll the Dice" by Valerie Parente

Games by Valerie Parente

I’m not over you,
I’m over the games.

I’m over rolling the dice to see if today you’ll be nice, wondering if I’ll have to fight to bring out your good side.
I’m over the way you play me for a fool while I just play aloof, pretending I don’t see the truth but I know your every move.
I’m over showing all my cards like I’ve got the king of hearts but then you try to be smart and leave me at a loss.
I’m over not knowing what comes next because you’re shuffling the deck trying to create randomness before it’s my turn to guess.
I’m over calling all your bluffs and trying to earn your trust because you’re too scared to grow up and admit there could be an “us”.

Then you yell and you scream because you want to beat me but what you failed to see is we’ve been on the same team.

– Valerie Parente (7-10-2019)

Potential In Action

Tarja

Potential In Action by Valerie Parente

To identify this catalyst felt right
I know that something special will happen
There is this lingering hope so well-timed
Like a tangible potential in action.

Magic hones the human existence
This sense diagnosed as divine intuition
We all can access its many promises
If we make the decision to listen.

Do not let your chance sweep by
When you are met by the extrasensory
That realm of “what could be” for mankind
stems from your instinct to detect destiny.

– Valerie Parente (3-19-2018)

Cynic

"Devil's Advocate" by Valerie Parente

“Devil’s Advocate” by Valerie Parente

Cynic by Valerie Parente

He has a very quick wit and he uses it to guard himself
Always the cynic, never fails to cast a doubt
Playing devil’s advocate to get a rise from the crowd
But I think there’s a twist he doesn’t want figured out
I’ve begun to notice that the words in his mouth
Are fueled by conflict but claim an impartial sound
He declares disinterest, yet he still sticks around
While using logic to debate rational grounds
This seems to contradict the face of a neutral account
Because no true nihilist has a belief worth caring about
I know when he reads this he’ll just shut me down
He’ll laugh and dismiss the complexity I’ve announced
With the same rhetoric that makes him so profound.

– Valerie Parente (3-5-2018)

Why I Apologize

Why I Apologize by Valerie Parente

I apologize because I am less than perfect.

I apologize because I cannot read your mind.
I apologize to prove I am aware of my presentation.
I apologize to negate anything I do that you might dislike.
I apologize because I cannot be everybody’s inspiration.
I apologize to beat you to the punch.
I apologize to try and predict all you foresaw.
I apologize because I cannot say everything at once.
I apologize before you get the chance to see my flaws.

I apologize to seem perfect.

Chokehold

– Valerie Parente (10-16-2017)

To Be Human

My MannequinTo Be Human by Valerie Parente

To learn what it means to be human
to breathe meaning into this life
is all I could ever ask for.

To feel the liberation of selflessness
to want for someone no less than the best
is fulfilling enough to be left unsaid.

To not just go through all the motions
but to grow and thrive with emotion
is the hope I try to vocalize.

To care about a soul other than mine
to grant solace to another mind
is the only answer I would need.

– Valerie Parente (9-30-17)

 

Natural

Natural by Valerie Parente

I had no idea how much I cared
Until behaviors that I could not explain started kicking in
I started feeling without daydreaming
I started laughing without meaning
I started helping without intending
I started sacrificing without resenting

I do not force an emotion
But a natural force compels my mood
I do not intend to cry
But the tears begin to pool
I do not consciously try to think
But the sad thoughts venture through
I do not understand what is happening inside
I do not have a stance on what I cannot define

All I know is how much I care
With a new capacity I had no idea was there.
Now I realize that this feeling came from
Nature’s most beautiful miracle, called love.

"Blossom" by Valerie Parente

– Valerie Parente (8-8-17)

Trust the Stars

Trust the Stars by Valerie Parente

What is meant to be is already unfolding
Promises we send in space and time
Keep your faith through the darkness of night
And the right pathway will be realized.

Trust the stars
They know your heart.

Destiny is your relationship with the universe
The stars reflect the dust you are made of.
Guardian angels glowing down from above
Writing constellations in a language called love.

Trust the stars
Wherever you are.

The awe that you feel in today
Is not constrained to the starry sky
Whenever you forget about your stellar guide
Remember, you are made of the same light.

Trust the stars
They got you this far.

Stardust

– Valerie Parente (7-2-17)