Some Kind of Mania

Some Kind of Mania by Valerie Parente

She didn’t just burn that bridge,
she blew it the fuck up,
tied fireworks to the rails
then promptly set them off.
Glitter filled the sky
while the bridge became dust.
But she’s a visual person
so it was worth the fun,
sparkles decorating the air
after an explosive run,
and that bridge between castles
was as good as done.

She let the embers rain down,
proud of the woman she’s become.

– Valerie Parente (11-10-2020)

Broken Speech

Broken Speech by Valerie Parente

I’m emotionally exhausted
and I can’t find the words to speak
I never looked for the words
the words looked for me
but ever since I snapped
I’ve had broken speech
because I’m so broken inside
that I can’t read my own needs
and it’s my own fault
for the hurt I’ve received.
Don’t get me wrong
I love the pain in poetry
but I think I’ve made you out
to be worse than you seemed
and I’m not sure why I did that
but if I rearrange each piece
of all the writing I put down
I’d say it came from an inner need
to feel appreciated and valued
and you were the victim of that greed
because when it comes down to what I care about
you’re towards the top of the hierarchy
and maybe that’s not appropriate
since I’ve been told not to preach
I just hate biting my tongue
especially about the things I see
and I lead my life like I write
with a message and a theme
but I couldn’t understand the meaning
of finally caring about another being
then being withheld from that connection
and told I’m crazy for my feelings
I guess if I had to come up with words
it comes down to my mentality
and the antidote to my selfishness
was feeling happy by someone else being happy
and that’s how I felt about you
that made me feel well-rounded and complete
so many years of mental illness
deadly eating disorders and OCD
they just stopped seeming important.
My relationship with another human being
mattered more than the fear I live with every day
I don’t know if that makes me crazy
but for once I no longer felt sick in the head
and the real world was actually lovely
I had a good time with somebody real
and that time was my favorite relief
from the inner script that is my mind
I think that’s why I took it personally
when you didn’t have the time to spend
and different types of priorities
and I’m sorry if that’s a little scary
I don’t mean to be as intense as I seem
Emotions tend to overpower my behavior
and the words I write get pretty heavy
and I don’t know if I’ll ever know how to express
that I’m so Goddamn sorry
because I took something you were insecure about
and I made it all about me
and I honestly can’t imagine
anything more manipulative and mean
maybe there’s no point to this poem
maybe there’s no lesson or theme
But it’s important for my mental health
to write out the words I didn’t speak
then next time I won’t let it build and lash out
on the the people who mean the most to me
So I guess this is my long-winded explanation
my reasoning, shame, and apology
it’s embarrassing that I let it fester this long
and turn into such broken speech.

– Valerie Parente (1-1-2020)

Sad Truth

Sad Truth by Valerie Parente

“What did I do to deserve such disrespect?”

“You loved someone who doesn’t even love themself.”

– Valerie Parente (12-9-2019)

This Is What It Means To Grow Up

This Is What It Means To Grow Up by Valerie Parente

I shouldn’t pick fights just because I feel lost
I shouldn’t place blame when no one is at fault
People might do you wrong but just smile on
No one cares who’s right in the big scheme of it all.

You may be frustrated but the petty things won’t last
At the same rate good times fade and I really hate that
What better reason to appreciate the things that you have
Because no pain equates to the concept of the past.

I always say I’m so sick of the games and the tears
But I’d rather have it rough than resent all those years
Because one of these days one of us isn’t going to be here
And all that will be left is how we made each other feel.

Mirrored

– Valerie Parente (10-27-2019)

I Know Where I Stand

Serenity

I Know Where I Stand by Valerie Parente

Tell me why different rules apply to me?
and tell me why you take everything I do so personally?
tell me why I have to tip toe on such fragile feet?
tell me why the slightest move makes you retreat?
just tell me why I get treated so damn differently?

I’m not asking because I want to know the answer, I already do
I’m asking because these are questions that need to be addressed through you
And I’m not going to tell you the answer because there would be no use
You’re going to have to figure it out for yourself and face your own muse
And when that time inevitably comes, you’ll know where to find me too.

– Valerie Parente (8-3-2019)

Games

"Roll the Dice" by Valerie Parente

Games by Valerie Parente

I’m not over you,
I’m over the games.

I’m over rolling the dice to see if today you’ll be nice, wondering if I’ll have to fight to bring out your good side.
I’m over the way you play me for a fool while I just play aloof, pretending I don’t see the truth but I know your every move.
I’m over showing all my cards like I’ve got the king of hearts but then you try to be smart and leave me at a loss.
I’m over not knowing what comes next because you’re shuffling the deck trying to create randomness before it’s my turn to guess.
I’m over calling all your bluffs and trying to earn your trust because you’re too scared to grow up and admit there could be an “us”.

Then you yell and you scream because you want to beat me but what you failed to see is we’ve been on the same team.

– Valerie Parente (7-10-2019)

Mr. Contradiction

Mr. Contradiction by Valerie Parente

check on me
keep looking over at me
reference that conversation we had yesterday
wind up by my side every time I try to be alone
and ask me how my day has been like I owe you an update
then after it all
don’t forget to remind me that I’m not worth your time
no matter how much it contradicts the fact
that you continuously make space for me in your life.

– Valerie Parente (7-7-2019)