Fishnets

Fishnets by Valerie Parente

Maybe if I dress as the girl I’ve never been
then I’ll never have to feel this pain again
because these bittersweet songs
have me missing it all
and I’m not one for regrets
but I regret that I left
so I’ll just slip on these fishnets
and continue to pretend
I never took anything for granted.

– Valerie Parente (12-5-2020)

Being Abnormal

Being Abnormal by Valerie Parente

It’s just lonely…
when you’re not allowed to express pain
because you’re the mentally ill girl who can’t be taken seriously,
when you’re not allowed to drive the freeway
because no one has faith in the skills you’ve achieved,
when you’re not allowed to paint your face
because you never give in to a normal level of intimacy,
when you’re not allowed to respond to hate
because defending your mental state is a luxury,
when you’re not allowed to remember heartbreak
because normal people don’t take this long to grieve,
when you’re not allowed to cut to the chase
because only crazy people act with so much honesty.

It just gets kind of lonely inside my brain
when even your loved ones can’t understand how you operate,
because I know that my honest-to-God pain only frustrates,
adding a whole new layer to what should be normal heartbreak.
I guess what I’m trying to say
is that ordinary things like a broken heart or a common sickness
are a lot harder to cope with when you have a mental illness
because people always have a million rational reasons for why you’re incorrect
but your hyper-sensitive mind has never been dictated by such logic.

– Valerie Parente (10-9-2020)

I’m The Bad Guy

I’m The Bad Guy by Valerie Parente

I’m the bad guy
because I knew how to use my words to paint a picture of how it felt inside.
I’m the bad guy
because I wanted someone I cared about to have a permanent place in my life.
Somehow I’m the bitch and cold-hearted
because I removed myself so you could have the relationship that you wanted.
I’m the bitch and a creep
because losing all the good times devastated me.
I’m the psycho and a trouble-maker
for the tumultuous sadness I’ve put to paper.

I guess it just amazes me that to this day
I’m the one with all the blame
for the hyper-sensitivity I put on display,
the thing about me you once called a strength.
And you might ask “Why is she not over this yet?
Why can’t she shut up and just forget?”
But who cares? This is anonymous.
If its hard to read, that’s your own conscience.

I’m doing better in so many ways
but I think that as the seasons change
it reminds me of the old days
and that brings back a lot of pain
because nothing destroyed me more than when I left
well aware that I was about to lose a good friend
and every now and then I just need to express
the very worst feelings that once felt the best
because it’s still confusing to comprehend.

I want nothing but the ability to cope
with the scars that once marked my hope
and I’m not sure why I even have to explain myself
to the very people who ridiculed my mental health.

– Valerie Parente (10-3-2020)

Sad

Sad by Valerie Parente

I’m sad
about the things that still don’t make sense.
I’m sad
about decisions I try not to regret.
And I’m really sad
but I know that I did what needed to be done.
I guess I’m just sad
that you never tried to stop me once.

– Valerie Parente (9-23-2020)

Minds change but hers stays the same

Minds change but hers stays the same by Valerie Parente

She makes an effort not to cry every day
and the professionals don’t know what to say
because she’s well aware that sympathy fades
and people lose interest when you’re not okay
but she’s already made it up in her broken brain
that she’s going to mourn until she can replace
all the memories she was risky enough to make.
She knows it’s not a healthy way to operate,
she understands how a psyche builds and breaks
and she can read a mind from a mile away
but that’s what got her in this vulnerable place,
she forgot that other minds can give and take
and she kept giving to what became an empty space
because she was hyper aware of another’s mental state
and that’s why it hurts so much when minds change,
that’s why it hurts her so much, every day.

– Valerie Parente (9-7-2020)

Bookmarks

Bookmarks by Valerie Parente

“Shame On Me” by Valerie Parente

I keep on seeing these bookmarks
telling me where I left off
but I can’t go back to that plot
without hurting my heart;
maybe it’s time for a fresh start.

You see, I was reading for so long
learning how I could belong
and maybe that’s where I went wrong
because it shouldn’t be so hard
to appreciate another person’s art.

Now I look at my bookcase
a mix of textbooks on display
many unfinished but still I wait
because I’m afraid to turn the page;
for this chapter in my life to go away.

I think the problem with my head
is that I identify with all I’ve read
memorizing lines by accident
and prolonging the feelings I said
because I never wanted the story to end.

– Valerie Parente (6-15-2020)

Good Times

Good Times by Valerie Parente

I held on through so many fights
because of all the good times
some of the best moments of my life
but now I’ve begun to realize
you can’t continue with those highs
if the other person doesn’t recognize
the value you have in each others’ lives.

– Valerie Parente (5-30-2020)

Love Vs. Obsession (One in the Same)

Love Vs. Obsession (One in the Same) by Valerie Parente

What is the difference between love and obsession?
Because the two are synonymous in a mind like mine.
And I’m really not trying to cross a line
but I can’t control the way feelings reorganize my mind.

Why is obsession only beautiful
when obsession is mutual?

You say I have to apologize when I care in that beautiful way
Everybody else gets to experience love without the shame
Now the girl with OCD starts to love and it’s called insane
But I really can’t help it that love and obsession have always been one in the same.

You Never Know Who's Hiding

– Valerie Parente (4-24-2020)

Broken

"Blue Rose" by Valerie Parente

Broken by Valerie Parente

You’re free from this world of suffering
and that’s a good thing
so why does it make me so sad?

Maybe to pray someone is at peace
means that I will never be.

 

 

 

– Valerie Parente (10-14-2019)