Black Hole: A State of Mind

Black Hole: A State of Mind by Valerie Parente

This meltdown is not circumstantial
this meltdown is a state of mind
and I believe this one was looming for months now
when everyday life got flipped upside down
and I didn’t have a chance to grieve the everyday life we had to collectively leave.

I’ve been trying to cope by distracting myself with the people who matter most
which is ten times harder when you have to distance yourself to maintain physical health
and I think after two months one little straw broke the camel’s back and I only knew how to overreact.
The circumstances never changed but a heavy darkness infected my mental state.

It doesn’t make sense for me to be as upset as I am about my personal circumstance
because it’s really not the end of the world
but this state of mind made it feel like I was going to die if I didn’t testify
and this heavy mass of pressure in my soul was simply waiting to cave in
like a black hole.

This state of mind will pass with time
but I’m so scared while I try to make it there
because every second in this black hole
feels like an eternity I can’t control
and I just want things to go back to normal.

– Valerie Parente (5-23-2020)

Love Is Immortal

Love Is Immortal by Valerie Parente

"Still Fresh" by Valerie Parente

Love
is when your soul
recognizes another soul
and you’ll know when you feel that love
because the body will seem as inanimate as clay
while the ego is just an arbitrary layer in space
and the light you sense through this reality charade
could ignite an entire universe with a single gaze
Because love
is when two energies combine
and spawn an endless chain of life.

– Valerie Parente (2-7-2020)

 

I Am My Own Savior

I have had a major breakthrough in the past few weeks.

Before I get into the details of this breakthrough, I need to reiterate the warped thought patterns I’ve had throughout my entire adolescence. Ever since I hit puberty I drilled it inside of me that finding a romantic partner was the key to happiness. And this deeply rooted belief affected me in literally every area of my life. Instead of helping me progress, it stunted all of my growth.
“When I fall in love I’ll be able to start my life.”
“When I fall in love I’ll be able to move out.”
“When I fall in love I’ll be able to stop being anorexic.”
“When I fall in love I won’t be afraid of germs anymore.”
“When I fall in love I’ll feel satisfied with my experiences.”
“When I fall in love I will have a purpose.”

And it took me a hell of a long time to realize that all of this was complete and utter nonsense. Yes, I was told over and over again that it was nonsense, but that didn’t stop me from believing this fallacy and letting it dictate my life.

I can’t tell you what exactly happened the past few weeks… but suddenly… it’s over. Those feelings are gone… and not “gone” in the sense that I kept telling myself I didn’t need someone else but in the back of my mind still longed for it; “gone” in the sense that I completely and irrevocably do not feel like I need someone. Do I want someone? Honestly I don’t really care. But do I need someone? No. Not at all.

Maybe this epiphany hit me because I started reading a lot of nonfiction and expanding my mind and forcing myself to go out and do activities on my own and be my own date for the day. I’m not sure. All I know is that beyond any fraction of a doubt I have had a major spiritual awakening. I can’t explain the “how” of it happening, but I can tell you the outcome. I, for the first time ever in my adult life, feel like I don’t need to be saved. I feel completely satisfied and at ease with the fact that I am my own savior. I am the one who is going to be with me at the end of every single day and I am going to be there for myself and I am not scared of this fact anymore because I am whole on my own. I have everything I need inside my soul and I feel truly connected to the force that created me, whether you want to call it “God” or the “universe” or whatever. I believe in myself. I believe I am made of unconditional love. I don’t need love, I am love. I can rely on myself. I refuse to wait for someone to start my life because my life is here and now and in every present moment and I truly feel like I am never alone. Something inside me feels protected and loved and so far from being on my own while paradoxically feeling like I am a soul that can rely on itself to feel complete.

Now I am just sitting content; looking back at that teenager who numbed herself with mental disorders and I cannot believe I wasted an entire decade thinking so little of myself and putting so much on hold for wait for a savior… and I am in awe that the savior my ego was crying for was me all along.

I am not afraid anymore. I am full and happy and truly in awe that I get to be me.

I do not need anything, I have me.

– Valerie Parente (8-4-2019)

Harmony

Harmony by Valerie Parente

For the first time in my adult life
I’m at peace with the fact that I’m not someone else’s goal
and that’s perfectly alright
because I don’t need someone else to feel whole
and I’m having a good time getting to know
that human that is my own
and I’m learning that deep down at the level of my soul
I’m never truly alone.

Value

– Valerie Parente (7-25-2019)

Divinity

"You Are Divine" by Valerie Parente

“Dear child,” the being of light proclaimed, “For too long you have been wrapping your identity around victimhood. You are not a victim. You are Divine. You are strong. You are powerful. You are made of the most powerful forces in the universe and that is why you are conscious. Remember your roots. Remember your power. And you will do this through knowledge. Educate yourself. Enrich your life with experience. And depend on no one to save you. Lonely? Teach yourself. When it hurts, listen to the lessons. When it feels good, bask in your essence. When your ego deeply yearns for something please remember that you are not your ego and the things that matter in the grand scheme of life transcend your ego’s instincts and one day in a timeless realm you will feel this deeper than you ever imagined possible. You have learned all of this before you were born, your flesh suit has simply forgotten. All the answers are prevalent to your Divine essence. Activate the soul inside. The answers glow inside your self. Look to yourself, and nobody else. You are Divine.”

– Valerie Parente (7-18-2019)