Bruised

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Bruised by Valerie Parente

After months inside my mind
when I finally decided to cry
it wasn’t because I hate this life
it was because I love this life
but I just can’t seem to do it right.

I keep falling for someone wrong
someone safe that leads me along
but when it comes time to choose
I’m just the girl who got confused
and I can’t think of anything more cruel
than making my mental illness the excuse
and in the same breath using it as an ego boost
and I’m so Goddamn sick of being used.

I don’t know how I’m ever going to trust again
because you were my best friend
and the worst part is that in the end
I look like the bad guy for having feelings
because whenever I care it’s an inconvenience
whenever I care it brings out demons
and it must be the sick part of me that’s still hellbent
on protecting you from the emotional consequence.

Boy Problems

– Valerie Parente (6-2-2020)

Art is Magic

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Soul Purpose

“Soul Purpose” by Valerie Parente

Art is Magic by Valerie Parente

“Why do I create the greatest art
when I’m in the greatest pain?”
“Because the artist is a magician
taking something as ugly as heartache
and turning it into something beautiful.
That is the true power in you.”

– Valerie Parente (5-31-2020)

Good Times

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Good Times by Valerie Parente

I held on through so many fights
because of all the good times
some of the best moments of my life
but now I’ve begun to realize
you can’t continue with those highs
if the other person doesn’t recognize
the value you have in each others’ lives.

– Valerie Parente (5-30-2020)

I Can’t Do The Math

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I Can’t Do The Math by Valerie Parente

I’m not good at the logical stuff
and I’m kind of sick of things not adding up.
Because all the things that should make sense
wind up harder and harder to comprehend.
It’s starting to feel like forever
I’ve been putting piece and piece together
but I can’t do the math at hand
when I’m the only one trying to understand.

– Valerie Parente (5-29-2020)

You Are Worth It

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You Are Worth It by Valerie Parente

If you want to live life to the fullest
then you have to be completely honest.
Be with yourself and learn to own it
because you’re enough and once you know this.
You’ll see beauty in every moment
and if someone else manages to notice
well then that’s just a bonus.

– Valerie Parente (5-26-2020)

For Once

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For Once by Valerie Parente

For once
I just want to be somebody’s emotional outlet without being taken for granted.
I just want to be able to eat again without wanting to vomit.
I just want to be able to listen music again without thinking of the time I spent.
I just want to be able to be my true self without feeling completely broken.
I just want to know that I did the right thing by saying what needed to be said.
I just want to be out of this pain but I have no idea what comes next
because I don’t know what to do without my very best friend.

– Valerie Parente (5-24-2020)

Black Hole: A State of Mind

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Black Hole: A State of Mind by Valerie Parente

This meltdown is not circumstantial
this meltdown is a state of mind
and I believe this one was looming for months now
when everyday life got flipped upside down
and I didn’t have a chance to grieve the everyday life we had to collectively leave.

I’ve been trying to cope by distracting myself with the people who matter most
which is ten times harder when you have to distance yourself to maintain physical health
and I think after two months one little straw broke the camel’s back and I only knew how to overreact.
The circumstances never changed but a heavy darkness infected my mental state.

It doesn’t make sense for me to be as upset as I am about my personal circumstance
because it’s really not the end of the world
but this state of mind made it feel like I was going to die if I didn’t testify
and this heavy mass of pressure in my soul was simply waiting to cave in
like a black hole.

This state of mind will pass with time
but I’m so scared while I try to make it there
because every second in this black hole
feels like an eternity I can’t control
and I just want things to go back to normal.

– Valerie Parente (5-23-2020)

No Appetite

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No Appetite by Valerie Parente

Having an appetite is a luxury.
When you don’t have an appetite life is hell
because you have to eat
because you feel your body getting weak
you have to put fuel inside
but the pure disgust makes every morsel feel like torture
and to go through day after day just trying to figure out how much you can intake
when just the thought of food makes you want to purge
is truly a kind of hell that nobody deserves.

– Valerie Parente (5-22-2020)

terrified.

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terrified. by Valerie Parente

The most terrifying thing I ever did
was confront my true feelings
because it was either waste my life or admit
any of the joy I had hidden
and as much as I wish this could result in happiness
it’s no longer my decision
because I let go my control of any consequence
by taking that leap and hoping not one but two people could be honest
and I never would have made such a dangerous bet
for anyone who didn’t have my highest respect.

– Valerie Parente (5-22-2020)

Untouched

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Untouched by Valerie Parente

My 25 and a half years of suffering doesn’t come from not feeling good enough.
This is a constant issue of feeling like I am good enough
but like God keeps setting me up
for a million and one lessons
about how there’s absolutely no one
who could ever give a fuck
about the body I managed to save
when I tried to die young.

And you can go ahead and say I’m insane for being so broken up
but maybe you’d understand my kind of hell if you spent 25 and a half years untouched
while your mind continues to level up
I get better every day
but the night never comes
where I go to bed with someone
and maybe that’s God’s way of saying
I’m not meant to be loved.

– Valerie Parente (5-20-2020)