Vodka by Valerie Parente
I’m a little bit tipsy
I’m a little bit numb
and I can’t handle my feelings
cause I’ve been feeling too much.
I’m a little bit sloppy
I’m a little bit drunk
and I want to be carefree
but I don’t feel good enough.
I’m a little bit dizzy
I’m a little bit buzzed
and I know that you need me
but I just want to feel loved.
– Valerie Parente (10-13-2019)
Humanity by Valerie Parente
To live is to feel
To feel is to emote
To emote is to communicate
To communicate is to connect
To connect is to love
And to love is to live.
Don’t waste your life
fighting your feelings.
– Valerie Parente (7-6-2019)
Empathy by Valerie Parente
The most alive
I’ve ever felt
was when I empathized
with someone else.
– Valerie Parente (6-11-2019)
A Poetic Manifesto by Valerie Parente
What it means to be an artist is that I take my life experiences and process them through a creative filter. My internal world manifests best through the art of written word. As a result, when I’m in pain I might write a “dark” piece. To those who find this work disturbing, this is my rebuttal.
I have every right to say anything I want to say
because this page is my stage and this is my brain
and the reason you felt uncomfortable when you read it
was because you have resonated with it.
If you become upset knowing that I am broken
then please understand that writing about my mental health
is how I begin to heal myself.
I will never stop emoting and hurting and healing and if any of this is problematic for someone then I pray you find the strength to learn how to be human one day.
– Valerie Parente (5-30-2019)
Intention by Valerie Parente
He was sick. Nose stuffed. Ears blocked. Miserable on the couch. His only movement came from his fatigued thumb gently scrolling through the phone.
“Open the door” came a text from his close friend.
His eyes burned. He hesitantly typed, “Door’s unlocked”
The floorboards creaked as the girl walked into the loft with a bright smile and a piping hot container clasped between her hands.
“I got you your favorite soup from downtown. Maybe it’ll make you feel better.”
He didn’t get up. He didn’t thank her. “Why did you do that?”
In that split second her eyes shifted from glowing to deeply hurt.
She didn’t shut down. She didn’t back track. She said what needed to be said. “What is wrong with you?” Those piercing words sounded more like they were begging for an answer than asking a simple question.
“I- I just don’t know why you’d waste your time-”
“Don’t pretend you have my best interest in mind,” she snapped. You never would have guessed that this was the same sweet and giddy girl that just came skating into the loft.
He knew he had a problem. He knew this was his problem but his mind was trying so hard to categorize this as her problem. His thoughts cranked away, trying to rationalize the panic coursing through his veins in a way that didn’t pin the blame on him.
The problem wasn’t that she did something nice for him. The problem was that she paid attention to what his favorite soup was. The problem was that she went out of her way to drive to his favorite take-out restaurant and then in another direction to his loft. The problem was that she thought, in her time alone, that doing something for him would be a worthy use of her energy. The problem was that she thought of him.
Before he could translate his thoughts into verbal daggers she called him out.
“How miserable it must be to be you,” she shook her head in disbelief, “How little do you think of yourself that you feel the need to stop or shame anybody for caring about you? Not just doing a nice favor for you… but really caring for you. Understanding you. Just because you don’t see your own value doesn’t mean I have to stop caring. You hate yourself so you project all of that onto me and I am so sick of it.” Her mouth quivered in contrast to how strong and stern her tone was.
He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t figure out a rebuttal fast enough.
“I am NOT your punching bag!” she cried out with a voice so strained you could hear the exhaustion in her vocal chords.
He rubbed his fingertips on his bloodshot eyes up to his temples. Why was he like this? Hurting her feelings was never his intention. His intention… well… what was his intention? He didn’t know.
Her eyes were wet but she didn’t break eye contact. “I’m not going to apologize for having emotions just because you can’t handle your own! I am entitled to feel things when I’m around you. I’m not going to let your self-hatred stop me. I’m sorry but that’s not a war you’re going to win.”
He panicked, “I- I’m sorry-”
“I don’t want to hear ‘I’m sorry’!” she was crying now. “I want you to get professional help! I need you to! I need you to be okay! I need you to accept yourself! I need you to take care of yourself! I need you to understand your worth! And in order to get to that point you’re going to need to cry and hurt and feel a whole bunch of uncomfortable feelings and I need you to know that it’s going to get better… and I need you to believe me when I say that! Because if you don’t get to a healthy point then you’re going to lose… and if you can’t handle someone having emotions around you then you’re going to wind up alone.”
Alone.
That.
That was his intention.
A dominating part of him was trying to push people away. Not just any people. The people who care… really care. The people who get inside his head. The closer they were to understanding him when he couldn’t even understand himself meant the harder he needed to push. And she understood him and she got in his head and she saw all his flaws but still cared. That’s why this girl was getting the brunt of his insecurity-spawned and fear-born frustration. An unconscious facet of his brain was trying with full force to wind up alone… because being alone would be easier than handling the emotions that come to the surface when you have a real connection with someone.
– Valerie Parente (4-22-2019)
toxic relations by Valerie Parente
There’s something I need to say
about the way you behave
You’ve become a cliché
just a guy who plays games
a fool desperate to claim
that you aren’t so strange
thinking a girl can replace
all of your negative traits
as if you could erase
every ounce of self-hate
with the sound of a female’s name
but at the end of the day
your connection with her is strained
she doesn’t really relate
you use each other to manipulate
that dark and empty space
that rots in your depressed brains.
But you won’t admit your mistake
I know you’ll try to debate
say that you’re honestly okay
but say it with a straight face.
say you’re not a pathetic display
of all that time you had me waste.
There’s something I need to get off my chest
about the way you’ve digressed
You’ve become so obsessed
with destroying relationships
in the name of loneliness
imprinting the egocentric
on someone you barely met
and it’s so inappropriate
how you made her your outlet
meanwhile your friends
the ones who emotionally invest
can only shake their heads.
You know I tried my best
cause I’ve been in that mess
so Goddamn depressed
A mind with no self-respect.
And I just want to protect
one of my favorite humans
from a pattern so toxic
because if you weren’t worth it
I wouldn’t have written this.
– Valerie Parente (4-3-2019)
The entire universe and its blessings are in the palm of my hand by Valerie Parente
The entire universe and its blessings are in the palm of my hand. I can feel the energy that makes up you and me and everything in between and I am in awe that I did not notice until now how interconnected we all are with the energy we spawned from. I still have longings but I feel so whole and complete like my longings long back for me. I feel that my blessings walk beside me even when they can’t be seen. I am not discouraged when things do not go my way, I am empowered. Every struggle is proof that I am worthy of more than I hoped to settle for and I am in awe and in love with the story the universe writes about me.
– Valerie Parente (9-27-2018)
Incognito by Valerie Parente
You were so upset, but you wouldn’t admit why
All my words you’d deflect, like there was something to hide
And although you seemed tense, I didn’t want to pry
I wonder why you protect your highly cynical side
Well I guess that depends where your priorities lie
Maybe I can’t cure your distress, but I wish you’d give me a try
Because behind your comments a second message resides
Even though you pretend there’s no need to analyze
Call me crazy and obsessed, but I think it’s a sign
That the voice in your head still found a place in my mind.
– Valerie Parente (2-15-2018)
Natural by Valerie Parente
I had no idea how much I cared
Until behaviors that I could not explain started kicking in
I started feeling without daydreaming
I started laughing without meaning
I started helping without intending
I started sacrificing without resenting
I do not force an emotion
But a natural force compels my mood
I do not intend to cry
But the tears begin to pool
I do not consciously try to think
But the sad thoughts venture through
I do not understand what is happening inside
I do not have a stance on what I cannot define
All I know is how much I care
With a new capacity I had no idea was there.
Now I realize that this feeling came from
Nature’s most beautiful miracle, called love.
– Valerie Parente (8-8-17)
Of course I still love you.
Hearts were designed to feel the touch of love, and that impression will forever be remembered.
If you hurt me and it breaks my heart, it is because I love you.
If you hurt me and it does not break my heart, it is because you never touched my heart from the start.
– Valerie Parente (6-4-2017)
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