the truth is, I’m frustrated

the truth is, I’m frustrated by Valerie Parente

"the truth is, I'm frustrated" by Valerie Parente

I’ve been the strong one. I’ve proved I’m smart, have a heart, and can read the mind of the most troubled. I’ve traveled, I’ve stayed, I’ve gone out of my way, I’ve done everything under the sun to prove that I am good enough. I’ve felt high, I’ve felt brave, I’ve felt the electricity every cliché claims. I’ve given time, I’ve given space, and left you so amazed. I’ve been brutally honest, I’ve been reassuring, even when my mind was hurting. I’ve been a friend, I’ve been family, I’ve been a team-player even when you played me. I’ve been wise, I’ve been right, and I understand your mind when I write my lines. I’ve been forgiving, I’ve maintained a good mood even when I should have been rude. I’ve been sweet, I’ve been grateful, even when I should have hated you. I’ve been impressive, I’ve been respectful, I’ve shielded you from my pain even when it drove me mental. I’ve gone above and beyond and I did it for what?

At what point did I go wrong?
I see a boy care about me then I watch it dissolve.

What is it about me that nobody wants?
Because every time I care I become the saddest person of all.

The truth is, I’m frustrated, and I think I have every right to be. Because I’ve been the kindest person of all and the girl God needed from me. So why the hell am I alone? Why the hell am I unseen? I’m right in front of your faces being the best damn version of me.
Call me crazy, why not?
But I think it’s a damn shame
when you’re there for someone’s darkest hour but they won’t give you the time of day.

All I want is to be loved.
And I think I’m fairly done.
Because I don’t know how much longer I can be the strong one.

– Valerie Parente (5-28-2019)

Value

Elohim

Value by Valerie Parente

I know my value and I see it every day
I need to stop punishing myself
when it isn’t seen by someone else.

– Valerie Parente (5-5-2019)

Inquiries

Inquiries by Valerie Parente

What do you want when you are the only one in charge?
Who are you when nobody else tells you what to want?
How long will it take you to let go of your flaws?
Do you even think before you talk?
Where are you in your thoughts?

Vyne

– Valerie Parente (11-27-2017)

Investigating the Nostalgia Flood

Investigating the Nostalgia Flood by Valerie Parente

 

Phenomena?

The nostalgia flood.

This is the term I am coining for a recent struggle I have been facing for the past few days. Recently I have been thinking vehemently about the past lately, to a deeply emotive point that my thoughts are beginning to hurt from the very core of my being. I am struggling to come to an emotional understanding as to whether this intense flood of seemingly random and eclectic waves of nostalgia are resurfacing for a specific reason, one which might correlate with my physical circumstances, or if the bittersweet reminiscing is simply a mental product of neurons going haywire in my brain.

 

What Is Going On?

I can’t help but question two key aspects of the nostalgia flood; first, is there an obsessive compulsive component to the reminiscing? If so are these memories purely the OCD playing head games with me, or do these memories hold some sort of objective meaning in the light of a mind that was not plagued with obsessive compulsive disorder? Second, is there something that each of these (seemingly) random memories have in common? If so why now am I revisiting the underlying psychological thesis behind these flashbacks?

Confessional

 

How Does It Feel?

Before I try to make sense of what has been happening to me alongside the guide of the latter questions I would like to note the emotional quality of the mental memorabilia that has been pressing at the forefront of my conscience for a few days now. Every one of these memories are good memories. They are times that I hold near and dear in my heart and consider some of the best moments of my childhood or adolescence. Every time I remember the heartwarming moment my breath is taken away and, as dramatic as it sounds, feel as if I need to cry, initially out of happiness and then the more I think about the memory I feel compelled to cry out of sadness. Never do I get to the point of actually tearing up though. There is just this strange sensation of resounding love that fills up my chest and then a horrible wave of sadness that follows. If I had to categorize it as any psychological state I’d call it grief. Grief not for a life lost, but a time lost. The heavy sadness that festers in my mind, after the joyous flashbacks begin to blur, always feels comparable to mourning. And this odd but powerful experience makes me wonder: why am I mourning? Why do I not stay in that initial happy state when the intrusive OCD mechanism calls up the memory? These are memories of old friends, love interests, family! One particular memory is of a time when I felt very socially accepted, specifically regarding a person I would wind up catching feelings for. Another example of a memory revolves around sleepovers and parties with some long-lost best friends when we would laugh until we cried!  … Oh. Interesting. I am catching something significant as I sort this out in a Word document. “Laugh until we cried”. This phrase unnervingly reflects the exact recent state of mind I have been in as I reminisce. It seems that the very content of these memories, incidents like laughing until I am crying with a best friend (or feeling the ecstasy of social acceptance which would soon melt into fragile infatuation) projects happiness that deteriorates into vulnerability. Of course this could be dismissed as a coincidence, but I personally do not believe the universe works in coincidences. And for that reason I think it is safe to say the metaphorical nature of my nostalgia, much like psychoanalytical dream theory (theories of dreams that accredit dream motifs to the subconscious), actually proves a commonality among my memories. The commonality subsequently causes me to believe that the flood of nostalgia is not random or even eclectic, but that each of these fond moments from the past and people associated with these fond moments are purposely being called up by my brain, an OCD brain that is operating with rhyme and reason.

 

Who Is Involved?

The memories that I have been dwelling on were very prosocial in nature. These were times when I was thriving in my social circle. Now, I think it is fair to acknowledge that in some respect most of us can get sad when thinking back to positive moments because we recognize that they are over. Time moves laterally and irreversibly. This fact is just a discomfort we all have with our temporal confines as we undergo the human experience. Good times will always come to an end. And yes, that is sad if you choose to be sad about it, but I do not feel as though I am making a choice, and for that reason I do not allocate much responsibility to this factual perspective when talking about the nostalgia flood. If anything I am saddened because of the context in which these memories ended. For example, and I hinted at this a little before, but every person that I am reminiscing about is a person that I no longer have a relationship with. In fact if any of these people knew that I was thinking about them recently, let alone getting genuinely upset about the relationship which, to my everlasting dismay, fizzled out, they would probably think I was a complete lunatic (honestly I can’t say I’d disagree). I never quite felt satisfied with how things ended with any of these several people. Each and every relationship, for one reason or another, stands in my mind as a relationship that should have endured. Relationships that are incomplete. Some people I lost communication with a decade ago, some people 5 years ago, some people a few months ago, and each person was somebody that I never truly wanted to lose a friendship with. I always wanted more, more laughs, more memories, more attention, etc. Nevertheless, these are all people that I got close to at one point and wound up losing touch with. I do not think that the selection of people associated with my nostalgia is random. Between the emotional timeline within these individual memories, converting from high-as-a-kite happiness to profound grief, and the correlated social position each person has in my mind, demoting from close companion to complete stranger, I have come to the conclusion that there absolutely is a theme taking place in my psyche.

 

Why Now?

When a theme is taking place in the psyche of somebody with obsessive compulsive disorder, there is always a question of whether or not that theme is relevant to the current circumstances of that person. When it comes to the nostalgia flood and its eerie resemblance to OCD intrusive thinking, what is the theme?

The theme overarching my nostalgia revolve around losing something before I was ready to lose it. There was a sense of incompletion. The memories embody lost relationships and elicit a mourning-esque response. Why now would I be reaching back into my long-term memory and pulling out these snippets of emotional density? Why is my brain reminding me of heavy emotions? Why does my brain want me to feel the high of happiness and the low of loss that follows?

Honestly answering this question after dissecting the qualities of the nostalgia flood is not difficult. The only feat left is to describe how my life has been going in the current day. Without going into too much personal detail, I can modestly say that I am at a paradox in my life. I have never felt more rich with life experience or more proud to be me, but at the same time I have never felt more lost with where I am going or more longing to engage with a (certain) person who shares a similar mindset as me. I do not know how to satiate my mind socially in the way that it wants to be satiated because the person that I would like to spend time with is a person I am having a hard time communicating with due to the trials and tribulations that adulthood presents. This social predicament has been key in my confusion with which direction I should take next. After investigating the nostalgia flood in the past few paragraphs it should come as no surprise that my memories of wonderful yet lost relationships can accurately represent this inner mentality of feeling positive about myself but lost in the social department.

– Valerie Parente (4-25-2018)

Evolutionary Theory: An Empirical Framework for Psychology

Valerie Parente

September 27, 2017

Evolutionary Theory: An Empirical Framework for Psychology

Over the 150 year span since Darwin introduced the theory of evolution, with the publication “On the Origin of Species”, evolutionary concepts have been the backbone to many (but not all) psychological models. It is the hope of David M. G. Lewis and Laith Al-Shawaf  that principles such as natural selection will lead to middle-level theories, then resulting in hypotheses that “generate testable empirical predictions” (2017). After reading the “Evolutionary Theory and Psychology” science briefs published by the American Psychological Association, Lewis and Al-Shawaf’s “Evolutionary Psychology: A How-To Guide” through applying evolutionary theory to behavioral sciences, and the collection of PowerPoint presentations compiled by Assistant Professor Joseph E. Gonzales, I have come to the conclusion that evolutionary theory has a crucial role in unifying the subfields of psychological science and serving as higher level explanatory model for human behavior.

Charles Darwin’s influence has already permeated the social sciences. Research Professor of the University of Michigan, Daniel J. Kruger, references one example in Bowlby’s 1969 child-primary caregiver attachment model (the proposition that if a child is separated from his or her caregiver for a lengthy duration of time then their relationship would become strained). Lewis and Al-Shawaf mention the “dual mating strategy hypothesis”, a proposition that women have psychological adaptations surrounding their ovulatory cycle which motivate them to search for long-term relationships with men who will invest in them and short-term mating with men of high genetic quality during their most fertile phase. Things get a little more complicated when observing the alternative evolutionary explanations to such a phenomena, which Lewis and Al-Shawaf split into “alternative function” (how observed findings could be the output of an adaptation meant to solve a different problem of the species), or “incidental byproduct” (a differing hypothesis that results in the same set of findings) (Lewis & Al-Shawaf, 2017). Clearly there are a lot of nitty-gritty details to evolutionary theory to consider if one is to properly use it in creating middle-level theories, thus justifying Lewis and Al-Shawaf’s well structured guide to developing hypotheses.

If evolutionary theory is to seriously be applied to the social sciences then it must initially be taught correctly, and in full. Debra Lieberman of the University of Miami and Martie Haselton of the University of California (2017), argue that without serious education in evolutionary biology, psychologists risk inaccurately incorporating concepts, like sexual selection, and, consequently, misunderstanding psychological science. Based on our human sexuality lectures and Lewis and Al-Shawaf’s “How-To Guide” to approaching psychological science with evolutionary frames, I would have to agree that ideas like selective pressures of an environment or predator/prey relations could easily become misconstrued or misused without proper training. This is very key to evolutionary theory, and to overlook such a concept is to do nothing but a disservice to the social sciences which have spawned from the study of life (biology). If we want to look at phenomena, one example being clinical psychological disorders, through a purely scientific and modern lens then ideas like adaptations and selective pressures should, at the very least, have a place in the conscience of every psychological scientist.

What personally struck a chord with me throughout the readings of evolutionary theory was how sensible and logical it would be to approach psychology in this way. My greatest abhorrence to Sigmund Freud has always stemmed from his lack of scientific thinking. I found significant similarities between my aversion to Freud and Lewis and Al-Shawaf’s critique of psychological science studied without evolutionary theory. For instance, Freud’s psychodynamic hypotheses about the subconscious and deep desires were radically metaphorical. He enacted no scientific method in coming to such conclusions about the human brain. The id, the ego, and the superego, are none other than metaphors for human consciousness. While beautiful in literary and artistic terms, this is a far cry from scientific. Evolutionary theory, a consistently supported theory amongst the scientific community, would be lost if every psychologist approached the study of mind and behavior with metaphors in the way that Freud did. His methods of “theorizing” have no rightful influence on modern research methods. It is wildly refreshing to know that the American Psychological Association and the psychological community as a whole are beginning to seriously apply some sort of scientific method and model to its research.

In summary, all of these articles reiterate the common theme: that evolutionary theory should be treated as a valid and empirical-bound framework of psychological science. I agree with this notion. Though looking at the human mind from a spiritual, paranormal, and sometimes religious angle can offer vivid metaphors and analogies for theories about the psyche and behavior, this Freud-reminiscent methodology (or lack of) is outdated. If we want to keep the “science” in psychological science then we need higher-level evolutionary models, hypotheses, and theorization drawing from a biological perspective as relevant and reliable as Darwin’s theory of evolution.

 


 

References

Kruger, D. J. (2017). Evolutionary Psychology and the Evolution of Psychology. Evolutionary Theory and Psychology, 3/11-4/11.

Kurzban, R. (2017). Darwinizing the Social Sciences. Evolutionary Theory and Psychology, 4/11-5/11.

Lewis, D. M., & Al-Shawaf, L. (2017). Evolutionary Psychology: A How-To Guide. American Psychologist, 72(4), 353-373.

Lieberman, D., & Haselton, M. (2017). Darwinian Psychology: Where the Present Meets the Past. Evolutionary Theory and Psychology, 5/11-6/11.

 

Potential In Action

Tarja

Potential In Action by Valerie Parente

To identify this catalyst felt right
I know that something special will happen
There is this lingering hope so well-timed
Like a tangible potential in action.

Magic hones the human existence
This sense diagnosed as divine intuition
We all can access its many promises
If we make the decision to listen.

Do not let your chance sweep by
When you are met by the extrasensory
That realm of “what could be” for mankind
stems from your instinct to detect destiny.

– Valerie Parente (3-19-2018)

Incognito

Incognito by Valerie Parente

You were so upset, but you wouldn’t admit why
All my words you’d deflect, like there was something to hide
And although you seemed tense, I didn’t want to pry
I wonder why you protect your highly cynical side
Well I guess that depends where your priorities lie
Maybe I can’t cure your distress, but I wish you’d give me a try
Because behind your comments a second message resides
Even though you pretend there’s no need to analyze
Call me crazy and obsessed, but I think it’s a sign
That the voice in your head still found a place in my mind.

I Thought It Was Obvious

– Valerie Parente (2-15-2018)

 

Sage of Tarkus

Sage of Tarkus by Valerie Parente

The heartaches of war that plagued the land of Segaduses left many civilians absent of faith. Lost. Looking for a reason to live again.

Determined to receive some sort of direction from a beacon of wisdom, a damsel from Segaduses traveled thirty miles by knight and steed to arrive at a cabin deep in the woods of Tarkus, home of the most acclaimed sage in all of the land. She had been on a journey for the past three years, searching for an answer to all of her sorrow. This girl with the mint green eyes convinced herself that the cure to her faithless haze could be found by falling in love. Her journey, for the past three years, was none other than a quest for a beloved hero whom could fill her life with purpose and interpersonal connection.

The gown worn by the damsel of Segaduses billowed like a blossoming tulip as she seated herself across the sage.

“I’ve been expecting you, dear,” the pale old woman stirred her chalice, making a burgundy whirlpool of the most fragrant truth serum. As the aroma wafted into stuffy cottage the damsel’s nostrils were filled and the knowledge she had denied deep in the core of her brain was activated.

With a confident nod the sage pointed to the knight on the stallion, outside of the cabin, whom had brought the Segaduses maiden so far along her journey.

“He is the one,” the strong-minded sage determined. “The man on the stallion is the man you will wed.”

For a fleeting second the damsel’s brow furrowed, then quickly vanished. Suddenly with a panic the enlightened yet shocked girl hastily shook her head, as if to rattle away the wisdom of the perceptive woman before her. “Oh no, no… he can’t be. I’ve known him for three years… he’s, he’s always been there in the background. If he were the one I would have known.”

“Dear,” the sage’s raspy voice lowered to a tender lull, “Knowledge does not require your conscious consent. Sometimes our subconscious knows at first sight, but our mind does not realize that what we felt was knowledge until years have passed.”

It took the frazzled girl a moment to respond. Her mint green eyes shivered as she struggled to make sense of the sage’s wisdom. How could it be? How could she have wanted something so badly but have never realized it was right before her eyes?

Adamant that the sage of Tarkus must have made a mistake, the damsel allowed her stubborn mind to wonder aloud, “But how can he be my hero if he does not have my most coveted traits?”

“Well what are you looking for in a hero, my dear?” the sage asked.

“A hero who has the same interests as I do.”

“So he is a reflection?”

“A hero who loves me unconditionally.”

“So he is a father?”

“A hero who knows how I feel before I say it.”

“So he is omniscient?”

Having given up, the damsel sunk deeper into her seat.

“Dear, what your heartbreak longs for is not a partner. What you are describing is not an equal. You are describing a God.”

Having given up, the Segaduses girl fell deeper into her subconscious, realizing the knowledge her depressed mind had repressed for so long.

"Damsel" by Valerie Parente

– Valerie Parente (11-23-2017)

Glitter In The Air

“Glittler In The Air” by Valerie Parente

"Run Away" by Valerie Parente

“Run Away” by Valerie Parente

I told a star that I wanted to dedicate a fraction of myself to its bright soul. I preserved my time long before I ever laid eyes on that star. I spent twenty three years cultivating emotions, memories, and wisdom, and waited until it felt right to share these qualities. Then in the rain of my own eyes I was denied. And I guess what I feel now… is lost. I am lost in an immaculate dark forest under the most beautiful canopy of stars. Here I am trying to run away from a sadness surrounded by the sparkling night and I cannot figure out if the glitter in the air is a sign to turn back around, or a guiding light towards new territory.

Valerie Parente (11-6-2017)