Ripped Open by Valerie Parente
My heart did not break,
it was opened up.
Sometimes it feels like we’ve been destroyed
when we’ve actually evolved into better versions of ourselves.
– Valerie Parente (1-5-2020)
Tag: Valerie Parente
Ghosts In My Room
Ghosts In My Room by Valerie Parente
I see ghosts in my room
maybe because I have room for them too
they flicker and repeat like static on TV
and I’m not sure why I can see these figures in front of me
but it happens in the middle of the night, every single week.
I feel like the images I perceive
are from a dimension I shouldn’t see
always a body without a face
shadowy figures with no name
hosting a sentience in their flashing shapes.
Sometimes it’s one figure, sometimes it’s two or three
No matter the amount they’re always unique
a defining trait like a baseball cap or bangs
they always move in a particular way
and I can’t tell if they know they’re in my space.
When I see those ghosts in the night
my recurrent thought is, “You know I can see you, right?”
it almost seems like they don’t realize where they are
and I’m not sure why all of a sudden they turned up
but they’ve been showing up ever since my greatest loss.
After two months I asked one beside my bed
“How are you?” to the flashing silhouette
it gave me the middle finger
another motion in flickers
so I just laid back as it lingered.
Some people tell me I should be afraid
that ghosts are an energy I shouldn’t entertain
but I truly feel that they are harmless
and my intuition says that they have no ill intent
if anything they feel like gentle friends.
Some people say that I’m just hallucinating
that these beings are of my own making
but gut feelings never lie
and I know what I’m feeling inside
and I’m feeling that they’re separate from my mind.
I always give it a few seconds
look around to see if it’s just in my head
when I look back the images are still prevalent
in all the same outlines and repetitive movements
and to be perfectly honest, I am comforted by their existence.
– Valerie Parente (1-3-2020)
Self-Preservation
Self-Preservation by Valerie Parente
It’s not being prude
its self-preservation
it’s protecting thyself from everyone else
in an attempt to preserve
the life lessons I’ve earned
because what could be worse
than losing the individual I learned.
I swear, this fear of intimacy
is not a fear of what’s in me
it’s fear of a touch that might corrupt
everything I’ve ever dreamed of.
Because what happens when I open up?
Would it change the person I was?
I’ve spent a lifetime learning who I am
and I’m so deeply scared
of my worldview crumbling at another’s hand.
– Valerie Parente (1-3-2020)
Broken Speech
Broken Speech by Valerie Parente
I’m emotionally exhausted
and I can’t find the words to speak
I never looked for the words
the words looked for me
but ever since I snapped
I’ve had broken speech
because I’m so broken inside
that I can’t read my own needs
and it’s my own fault
for the hurt I’ve received.
Don’t get me wrong
I love the pain in poetry
but I think I’ve made you out
to be worse than you seemed
and I’m not sure why I did that
but if I rearrange each piece
of all the writing I put down
I’d say it came from an inner need
to feel appreciated and valued
and you were the victim of that greed
because when it comes down to what I care about
you’re towards the top of the hierarchy
and maybe that’s not appropriate
since I’ve been told not to preach
I just hate biting my tongue
especially about the things I see
and I lead my life like I write
with a message and a theme
but I couldn’t understand the meaning
of finally caring about another being
then being withheld from that connection
and told I’m crazy for my feelings
I guess if I had to come up with words
it comes down to my mentality
and the antidote to my selfishness
was feeling happy by someone else being happy
and that’s how I felt about you
that made me feel well-rounded and complete
so many years of mental illness
deadly eating disorders and OCD
they just stopped seeming important.
My relationship with another human being
mattered more than the fear I live with every day
I don’t know if that makes me crazy
but for once I no longer felt sick in the head
and the real world was actually lovely
I had a good time with somebody real
and that time was my favorite relief
from the inner script that is my mind
I think that’s why I took it personally
when you didn’t have the time to spend
and different types of priorities
and I’m sorry if that’s a little scary
I don’t mean to be as intense as I seem
Emotions tend to overpower my behavior
and the words I write get pretty heavy
and I don’t know if I’ll ever know how to express
that I’m so Goddamn sorry
because I took something you were insecure about
and I made it all about me
and I honestly can’t imagine
anything more manipulative and mean
maybe there’s no point to this poem
maybe there’s no lesson or theme
But it’s important for my mental health
to write out the words I didn’t speak
then next time I won’t let it build and lash out
on the the people who mean the most to me
So I guess this is my long-winded explanation
my reasoning, shame, and apology
it’s embarrassing that I let it fester this long
and turn into such broken speech.
– Valerie Parente (1-1-2020)
Valor
Valor by Valerie Parente
God, give me the strength to be honest with myself
and everyone else.
– Valerie Parente (12-31-2019)
I Just Want Attention
I Just Want Attention by Valerie Parente
All I really want is attention
to make up for what I lost
because I ruined something good
by wanting more than I got.
I can’t help stringing people along
then cutting them off
because I’m trying to move on
but they’re not really what I want.
I need to be satisfied with myself
and I guess realizing that is a good start
and I shouldn’t ruin more people
just to fill the hole in my heart.
– Valerie Parente (12-27-2019)
Mirror Image
Mirror Image by Valerie Parente
Everything I accused you of, I manifested in myself.
Every letter I wrote to you was a letter to myself.
All the pain and hidden motives I assumed you felt I assumed in myself.
All of my accusations were a mirror image of myself.
You didn’t push me away, I pushed myself away. Because the ego inside this head tried to sabotage any chance of another ego helping me out of this hole I call my soul.
– Valerie Parente (12-18-2019)
Note to Self
Note to Self by Valerie Parente
Don’t say you’re doing something for someone else when you’re really just trying to keep the story straight that your ego has been writing.
Don’t tell someone they’re broken and act like it’s to help them when it’s really just rooted in your need to feel valued.
Don’t send the opposite message of what you really mean when what you really want is for someone to fight for you.
Don’t lie to yourself or the ones you love any more.
Be brutally honest with yourself until it hurts, then begin to heal.
Because you can’t heal until you feel that hurt.
And you hurt the ones you love when you don’t heal yourself.
– Valerie Parente (12-13-2019)
Toxins
Toxins by Valerie Parente
I became the person I tried not to be
because it got way too hard being me.
– Valerie Parente (12-12-2019)
Sad Truth
Sad Truth by Valerie Parente
“What did I do to deserve such disrespect?”
“You loved someone who doesn’t even love themself.”
– Valerie Parente (12-9-2019)
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